Love and its traps...

I had a heart to heart with a close friend recently about her own situation.. and it inspired me to write something about my experience over the last few years. I haven't recently been inspired to write about much... but of course, the topic of "love and its traps" always inspires me in my own personal pursuit of truth. This is for you my friend... with some of my own purging to the past.

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Breakups... bittersweet in most circumstances. Either way, someone is the "breaker upper" and the other is the "breaker uppee"... and it's sweeter for one than the other... more bitter for one than the other. Ironically, I've always preferred to be the one broken up with as opposed to breaking up with someone. I realize in some way it's the cowardly thing to do. Wait around just crossing your fingers hoping that he will reach some breaking point and do the deed. It leaves me blameless for giving up, for hurting someone who still wants to be in love. It's my easy way out if there is such a thing. Meanwhile he ignores his own deserved truth that he too is no longer in love, and instead has turned his back to reality.

Trap 1: Sometimes you can find yourself waiting much too long because your significant won't ever let go of the "perfect relationship" they've conjured up in their head.

Just open your eyes... you will realize we were both programmed to go through the motions, and the passion and fire that fueled our happiness some time ago is now only a hallucinogen... a distant memory... extinguished... irreparable.

On the other hand, being the breaker uppee has its own traps should I still be the one in love... or at least blinded to the reality of my situation. I've sat on both sides of the fence... But, I'm a sucker for tears... I can be guilted into staying at least for a relatively short time if I feel it is causing pain... hence avoiding the duty of being the one to leave. In the past, I'd rather deal with what I knew I could... the suffering of being in a relationship to save someone else the tears until they eventually come to the realization that I had already checked out and it forces them to leave.

Ironically, my empathy for the poor lovesick shmoe being left behind doesn't deter me from my own cowardice. I justify it to say I'm doing us both a favor. He can feel like he was "the man" and took control of his emotions making the conscious decision to leave me... I can find myself off the hook from all his tears and the "Why can't we just keep working on this?" episodes. Yes, I realize this probably causes more harm than good on both sides, but it often seems like a good idea at the time.

Trap 2: Though you can go through life being the one who throws their hands up and walks away emotionally... at some point, you will always experience the same devastation you ensued on your past relationship. There will always be someone out there who isn't going to love you the way you love them. And at times, you experience both sides of the fence with the same person... Case in point lol...

Yes, there was a time that the thought of not being with you paralyzed me... In the beginning, you didn't love me... She was better... and so was she! All I wanted was for you to accept me and what I had waiting for you... and I waited. What I had was pure... it was devoted... it was painstakingly blind and gullible. In the meantime, you made your choices... and you tainted my devotion to you and the idea of an "us". It was never the same after that day... Yes, that day... I was trapped... but I lived and I learned... Yes, I've learned...

You spend day and night loving someone... it oozes out of everything you say and do creating this slippery slope of "yucky love stuff" that you can only assume is perceived as the ultimate act of honesty... compassion... trust... adoration... intensity... loyalty... passion... and sanctity. Only to have it thrown back in your face as not enough. To be consistently tested... accused... questioned... why??? I'll never understand why there are those that can't accept such a gift as this.

Trap 3: No matter how much you can love another... you can only love them to the extent they will allow you to love them. Some don't know how to love... others don't know how to be loved. And then there's me... someone who forgets to love herself more than others. Who sacrifices her own happiness to alleviate the suffering of others. I'm learning... This is my journey.

You will never find happiness until you let go of your past. I was not her... and will never be her. I didn't do the things she did... It's not in my nature... Why was this so hard for you to accept? This is me... I thought you loved me for the love I gave to others... for my open and free-spirit. But instead you hated me for it. My biggest virtue is that I know how to love... I decide who I love and if they are in my life, they are there because I made a decision to love them for who they are and the happiness they bring to me. I am confident you will one day look back and realize your shortcomings. You didn't know how nor were you strong enough to be loved by me... maybe you didn't think you deserved it. You were right... Let it go... Let "us" go... I am no longer yours... It is finished.