Never Knew

A simple exchange, stepping out

Never knew this was what it was about

Taking a leap into your arms

Getting lost in your natural charms

Silencing all those plaguing voices

Taking comfort in our choices

To be, to live, to love

Never knew what I'd only dreamed of

An easy tie, a closeness, a comfort

In our kisses as we left behind summer

Never knew just how much

I'd quickly need your smell, your touch

Searching for your warmth in the night

Watching you sleep in the morning light

Melting away as you kiss my knee

Never knew this is how it could be

My mind always carried away

My heart wishing for you to stay

Finding myself lost in your stares

Never knew I could feel so bare

Naked, my whole self exposed and open

Wrestling thoughts of feeling broken

Never knew your words could be

The soothing balm that would help heal me

Finding myself sinking deeply

Patiently, quietly, meekly

Lingering on your words, your kiss

Never knew it could be like this

Sunsets and sand dunes

I felt the cold concrete beneath my calloused feet

The numbness of my calloused heart
Wincing at the pebbled surface prickling my skin

The air chills with evening

As my eyes lift to the bay, my gaze is lost in the light

A blanket of menacing dark clouds

Peels back to celebrate tangerine threads and fire-red silks

The dank tears clear from my eyes

The sun sets over San Francisco sand dunes

With dry seagrasses dancing next to you

Smoke fills your lungs as you wistfully watch

Ocean waves breaking much like hopeful hearts

But as the sunset met the San Francisco sand dunes

The bay breeze blew the past away

My heart—no, all of me—felt seen and alive

As your ocean-filled eyes stared back into mine

Your arms feeling like the home I longed for

Your lips enveloping mine so gently

Tenderly melting the barbed wire from my heart

As I sunk into the steely, serene pools of you

The days bring with it quiet whisperings of love

As we teeter into this fear-laced place

But, I wrestle to believe that without fear and risk and pain

There is no you... there is no love

So I stand between the sunset and the sand dunes

I stand here waiting next to you

Unlatched, alive, and singed, but here

Open to you... open to love

Goodbye

The eerie emptiness on the heels of goodbye.
Searching for the yearning, but coming up empty.

The emptiness filled with space... with air... with light.

The golden light pours out on the table we used to share.

The table that feels more full with you gone.

Gone... I dreamed of this moment. The moment I left you.

The moment I could say goodbye firmly planted.

The moment I could feel the freedom fill my body.

The energy superseding any semblance of remorse... of guilt.

The moment I chose me. 

I search the deep and vast banks of my memories.

Searching for something I'll miss. 

Something that will open the doors to doubt.

I come up empty. I revel in the emptiness.

An emptiness I now fill.

Breathing out the stale air of us.

Breathing in the newness of me.

Not just the me before you... the me now.

Stronger, wiser, braver.

And for that, I thank you.

I thank you for the pain, the void, the loneliness.

Because in those years of loneliness, I found me.

Stronger, wiser, braver.

The fire in me that was suffocated by the weight of you.

The fire that now burns like an inferno in me.

Goodbye, dear lover.

My lover who never loved. 

My lover who choked my love.

My lover who loved only himself.

Goodbye, forever. Goodbye.

Simple Reminder

As you opened the door, my heart raced within me...
An awkward pause as I searched for permission
To nestle within your arms once more...
As your hand rested against my neck
I found the familiar comfort I started to forget.
... and I wanted to stay there forever.
An awkward pause as you asked permission
To kiss these lips that always welcomed yours...
A hesitant pause wondering if I would lose all control
And I cowered beneath my fear for the moment
Left powerless beneath my desire for you
My desire for us... for a familiar connection
I started to forget...
As your lips met mine, all fear dissolved
The love swept past my lips
Over and over and over again...
To hear you tell me you love me
Warmed me like a heavy blanket
I could not bare to leave you
In fear of the chill without you near me.
In a moment, I was filled up with you
And all the love that was waiting
Bubbled to the surface pouring over you
As I left you on the doorstep
All I knew was that I wanted to love you...
That I didn't want another moment
Without the warmth of your love.
It was just the simple reminder I needed...

In the silence...

My mind feels like an empty canvas
Waiting endlessly for the first stroke to be painted
Across a stark white space begging for color
Black, gray, gradients of burnt embers
Smudged against a colorful spray of light
Light peeking behind a cracked door
Suspense fills me as wonder creeps in
Is it fluorescent light stripping all warmth
Or a warm ambient light casting playful
Shadows that elude to a hopeful narrative
The pillows envelope me as my head pounds
Soft velvet blue cushions against bland beiges
The contrast amuses me as I ponder
...Where are you....
...What are you thinking...
...Do you miss me?
Has your heart crashed against your chest
With the blood pumping through your brain?
Has this time filled your heart with longing for me
As my heart aches for you
I long to lay my head against your chest
As it rises with your breath
Tickle my hair... caress my skin
As your lips brush my forehead
Leaving traces of wet kisses
Cooled by the still air
I search my heart for the words we spoke
And it is drowned out by the words I want to say
...I love you...
...I want us...
...I am sorry...
Do my words reach you across this distance?
Does your heart warm as I send them out?
Could we forget the hurt and embrace the new once more?
Pretend we are two starry eyed lovers
Laying eyes on each other like the first time?
I remember the distance between us
Was once filled with an energy that connected us
Across tables and mountains and bedrooms
Can we start over?
Will you see me like you did then?
I cling to hopes of a new tomorrow
I cling to love for you.

Hope...

A new hope is calling... a new picture I see
The distance is closing in, the fog dissipates
The landscape before me, more magnificent
My imagination ill equipped to see Your design
The splendor... the stroke of divine mastery
In clarity, the wait seems unworthy
You are a loving Father who blesses His child
Overjoyed to see Your daughter unwrap her gift
Your warm smile illuminates my morning
What faithlessness in Your promises
Your grace pours out on my imperfections
You reward selflessly in Your love
I am thankful... dancing in Your precise step
A river rushing into a lake of crisp, still waters
The murky silt and sand rests on the pebbled floor
I float on the glass surface and stroke gently
Gazing up at turquoise skies, wisps of white
The water gurgles playfully for my ears
I float on Your strength... I swim in Your love
I praise You for loving Your daughter... me.

A Psalm of Thanksgiving

I wake up bursting with love
Love for my Maker... praise for my Father
Your goodness outstretches before me
Your faithfulness humbles me
Such reminders of Your favor on me
Your daughter... Your beloved
I raise my arms to you and sing
"Abba, Your love balms my soul"
My heart leaps in receipt of your blessings
My feet dance to heaven's music
A band of angels shines down on me
"Fear not... You are worthy of My good"
My spirit is renewed, my heart embraced
Enveloped in Your grace
I fall to my knees in thanksgiving
Tears of joy fill my eyes
You are faithful... Father You hear me
You have captured my prayers
Held them close to Your heart
Hallelujah, I am forever Yours