Hope...

A new hope is calling... a new picture I see
The distance is closing in, the fog dissipates
The landscape before me, more magnificent
My imagination ill equipped to see Your design
The splendor... the stroke of divine mastery
In clarity, the wait seems unworthy
You are a loving Father who blesses His child
Overjoyed to see Your daughter unwrap her gift
Your warm smile illuminates my morning
What faithlessness in Your promises
Your grace pours out on my imperfections
You reward selflessly in Your love
I am thankful... dancing in Your precise step
A river rushing into a lake of crisp, still waters
The murky silt and sand rests on the pebbled floor
I float on the glass surface and stroke gently
Gazing up at turquoise skies, wisps of white
The water gurgles playfully for my ears
I float on Your strength... I swim in Your love
I praise You for loving Your daughter... me.

A Psalm of Thanksgiving

I wake up bursting with love
Love for my Maker... praise for my Father
Your goodness outstretches before me
Your faithfulness humbles me
Such reminders of Your favor on me
Your daughter... Your beloved
I raise my arms to you and sing
"Abba, Your love balms my soul"
My heart leaps in receipt of your blessings
My feet dance to heaven's music
A band of angels shines down on me
"Fear not... You are worthy of My good"
My spirit is renewed, my heart embraced
Enveloped in Your grace
I fall to my knees in thanksgiving
Tears of joy fill my eyes
You are faithful... Father You hear me
You have captured my prayers
Held them close to Your heart
Hallelujah, I am forever Yours

You are...

I stare at the shackles that lay open at my feet
And am drawn to my knees in thanksgiving
Iron rusting with time... as Your water erodes the
Ragged stones of my past, they become like fine sand
It's Your mercy...

I relentlessly battle with pride... the "I knows..."
Failing to feel the way Your current pulls
I stop stroking and drift gently into Your arms
Hold me in Your safety... embrace me in peace
It's Your promise...

I hear the words and lies my enemies have spewed
I alone cower to the fire and destruction they pour out
Shield me in Your truth... Draw out the sword of Your Spirit
I take refuge in my Father's... my Abba's house
It's Your offering...

I trust in Your word... I delight in Your timing
My heart is healing at the sound of Your voice
My soul is full with Your provision of love and grace
I praise you my King... Jehovah Adonai
It's Your love...

Sweet abandon...

Peaks and valleys... highs and lows
The verdant green grass hugs the crest of the hillside
Painting a landscape for awestruck gazes
A gift solely for my eyes... the whisper of a Creator

Sweet abandon pursues my tired mind...
Letting go dissolves a worthless weight
My stride slows to a gentle, melodic pace
Surrendering my breathe to a cool, brisk wind...

A strong but merciful hand hovers behind me...
Softly leading me down a sandy pebble graced bank
The clear water laps quietly at my bare feet...
The coolness of each step quenches the fire

I know You are with me... always... forever
The seconds playfully skip into a silent void
The leaves rustle and emit a soothing static
Electricity arises, pulsates... my heart stays calm

My stride is light with rising trust and hope...
My steps are hushed with a welcome mystery
The path trails off into a wooded forest
Dispensing a resplendent alchemistic glow

Blindfold me with wonder and obedience
Make each new step feel as though it were a first...
The joy of exploration with no restriction
Relieve my need to know stepping into this sandbox

Build castles that emerge from nothingness
Call into play dreams of magical moments
Release the sweltering knowledge of past
Open my heart to a gravitating new...

Sweet surrender... sweet abandon... Abba, I am Yours.

Enraptured...

Even in the bellowing thunder and sheets of rain...
I am enraptured by Your love...
A swift pursuit of my heart with gentle reminders of You...
I breathe You into the depths of my spirit...
Filling every cell with a dance to your rhythm...

Your divine company brings warmth to the day...
A keyhole crafted that welcomes me into You...
A proud daddy of his sweet princess...
Eyes glistening with misty love...
I feel Your hand near me and wrap my fingers tight.

Never let me go... Lead me by still waters...
Remind me of the golden path laid out for me...
A crystal knob pulls open a drawer of light...
Rainbows encase the room around me...
I spin in childlike approval and delight...

Your careful stitching of every seam in me...
Your worried weaving of beauty from ashes...
Your tears fall into a familiar stream of my own...
This perfect love, an anointing upon me...
Priceless and designed uniquely for me...

Undeserving and overwhelmed with humility...
Break me Father, I bow at Your feet...
I praise You... Worship You... Love You...
Always flawed... made pure in Your tender grace...
Always needing... but made full in Your perfect love.

Sunbursts

As the clouds roll through, the sunbursts warm my skin.

Finding myself in shadow and light...

Whisking away the clouds to feel the warmth once more.

Orange and yellow rays highlight the freckles on my nose...

And remind me of a childlike horizon of past.

The cotton like veil teases my gratitude...

As I patiently wait for a pitter of rain to cool the burn...

A throbbing sear of angst and regret looms in my heart

The wind tears the sheet and a single blade brings hope once more

Sentiments of love and princess poetry waits on my lips.

Chase the windy staircase and rescue my heart...

Rescue my snowy skin that eagerly awaits a burst of sun

A rosy color fills my cheeks and births new, naive wishes

Wishes that know no hurt... no disappointment... no tears.

But impossible dreams of lost tradition.

I walk swiftly... paying no mind to the thick fog ahead...

I run freely... knowing my fall will be in Your hands...

I dance lovely... in the beauty You have created...

I sleep safely... in Your loving protection...

A letter alone...

Such a familiar friend... I am again... alone. The auto-pilot function that so often helps me survive the changes in life has quietly subsided and the process of acceptance and grieving has taken its place. Grieving of lost love... dreams... security...

Tears are readily available day after day. An emotional outpour that I wanted to believe were just hormones, but are now a regular part of my state. I walk through my daily tasks with lead weights on my feet and still manage to accomplish my checklist, yet lay my head down unsettled. I see news to be celebrated all around me and all I can do is cry wondering when I will have my own day that my soul dances... a day to be celebrated.

A lesson in selfless love... genuinely celebrating those you love while quietly mourning my own wants and dreams... And that's all they feel like... dreams... empty... failed dreams...

The volume cranks on memories I have set aside and locked away when the rest of my life feels empty and lifeless. Memories that make me angry... bitter... sad... joyous... loved... loving... What I would give to feel pure uninhibited joy and love for just a moment. A simple reminder that I can still feel those things... and I can still have those things... and that I am not alone.

45 minutes is only 45 minutes I chanted. Was I trying to convince those I love or myself? I feel like 45 minutes is 45 too long from a warm embrace around me... a simple how do you do... a friendly, familiar face... a moment to exchange the latest with the people you miss everyday.

Is this what you wanted for me Lord? To be okay just being with me... and You? Because I don't feel okay. I feel the warmth of my tears filling my eyes... the escape of angst rolling down my cheeks. I truly felt like I was following your lead... but now I feel misguided and bemused by myself.

Beauty for ashes... I am reminded. And I covet the days I celebrated the freedom I felt once I trudged through the shame of my past. I struggle with trusting You now... feeling You now... Instead I feel forgotten. Remind me that You are here... that You have promises that are yet to be fulfilled for me. My spirit is heavy... my vision foggy... my ears muddled... Make Yourself known in Your peace and comfort.

I have all these voices in my head telling me I am not good enough... I am not lovable enough... I am not enough... Why else do I fail every time I pour out my heart and soul? What words should I hold onto and ponder deep in my heart to be loved?

I know these are not Your desire for me. But these voices vex my soul and can make even the most absurd lie sit like tar in my spirit. Sinister lies that find a path into my heart and create bitterness, jealousy, and paranoia.

Replace the lies Lord with the truth that I am Your beloved daughter... Loved by a King... Cherished for intrinsic beauty that was by Your design. That I am lovable just as I am... that I do not have to try. That You celebrate and are amazed by me daily. I am tired... so tired... so drained... so disappointed... so heartbroken. Mend these wounds and gashes in my tender heart. I have nothing left... no more energy to pick myself up.

I pray... as I cry myself to sleep once more... Hold me in Your hands and never let me go.

A daughter's prayer...

Mercy Jesus... Grace for me...

A hope filled search for clarity...

A race I run, a hundred miles...

One greasy rung... an endless stile...

I fall dear Prince... Your hands await...

I stand again... a new estate...

I see a past from which I've come...

A burning heart... I've just begun...

Walk with me Jesus, hold my hand...

Be my strength when I can't stand...

A yearning heart crawls tenderly...

Soaked in Your love so gingerly...

Remind me Lord as I forget...

Your embrace has never left me yet...

I pray, I praise Your presence Lord...

The hurts aside, my heart is Yours...

Take me now, a broken child...

A Father's love who's just and mild...

I walk with You... take all of me...

Fill my heart with purity...

Your little girl painted to life...

A Father who weeps with all her strife...

I cling to You in joy and sorrow...

Your promises fill all my tomorrows...

I sleep in peace... with You so near...

I now let go of all I fear...

Please take my burdens as Your own...

No toil of mine shall go unknown...

Thank you Father... your love transcends...

Your faithfulness that never bends...

I love you Abba... Sweet dreams this night...

Your daughter rests in love and light...

Love, Light, Life...

Letters and vowels scattered across a starving page...
Searching... for logic, for reason to remember a gift...
Easily forgotten, yet reverberating underneath the surface...
Ready to erupt from bubbling springs that once stood cold...

Life dances around me... love blooming as far as one can see...
I celebrate.... standing in awe of the unexpected that unfolds...
Meanwhile mending my own torn seams and patches...
A cozy quilt of my past and present sewn with hopes of tomorrow...

I stand in a field of knee-high grass... blue sky stretched out before me...
My bare feet feel the dampness of the earth as my heels sink in...
The sun sets in the distance painting an array of color...
A large brassy coin setting on a once beautiful day to a mysterious night...

The stars in the sky make company... the moon casts a familiar hello...
My face glows a silvery gray... It is not cold... It is transcendent...
The light envelopes me until day break when the sun brings warmth...
His presence still surrounds me... I am not alone...

Love surrounds me... Light within me... Life before me...
Life surrounds me... Love within me... Light before me...
Light surrounds me... Life within me... Love before me...

I pick up my mat... and walk...

My Psalm...

Heavenly Father, I am in love with You...

Your grace upon me, an outpour of blessings beyond the finite walls of my prayers. Your presence drawn out in a magnificence brighter than the sun's morning light spilling over the mountains and valleys. Your Holy Spirit moving quietly like a whisper in the Sycamore groves caressing every blade of grass, every falling leaf, every speck of dust with Your kindness... Your gentleness. Walking steadfast with me through trials and celebration... behind me, tenderly catching me as I fall... beside me, holding my youthful, naive hand... in front of me, guiding my journey with Your strength... Your truth... around me, enveloping me in Your supernatural peace, love, and joy.

Surely Father... I am so in love with You...

Your promises Lord are more than a mere page in an ancient book... Your word is more than the alphabet conducted in a familiar tune. Your name alone is a strong, impassable tower keeping out all that is to harm me... protecting me in times of calamity. Your name... Yahweh... Jehovah-shammad... Jesus... is a simple, but powerful call to my Almighty God... my God who is present... my all-loving, all-forgiving Saviour. Oh, how I wish to know You even more... Your love is a calling for which I will receive... for which I will continue to pursue.

Surely Father... I am so in love with You...

You are my Healer... Jehovah Adonai... Wiping clean the distasteful remnants of my past... Filling the deep overwhelming cracks of my heart... my soul... my mind... with Your lasting forgiveness and understanding. Your compassion washes over me in ocean waves with cooling, tranquil waters that evaporate into the warmth of Your loving arms. Find favor in me Lord… For You have promised to make deserts into new springs… I yearn to overflow with life… with the life and love that only You can provide.

Surely Father... I am so in love with You...

Prayer for Silence in Solitude

Solitude... in a sea of people, noises, voices... Is it real Father? I can't see it... I can't feel it. You live and breathe life in all things. Breathe life in me for I am swimming in a sea of people, noises, voices... searching for the promised peace in Your comforting silence. Breathe life in me and allow these finite desires to drain out of me. An empty vessel ready to receive your forgiveness, love, and grace.

Silence the intensity of the deafening decibels that create chaos in my mind. Draw me closer to you with ears that are in tune with the sweet sounds of Your encouraging and embracing harmony. Play music for me... play Our song Lord. My feet want to dance upon yours as Your beloved, precious daughter.

My heart is tender, impressionable... like puddles respond to the rain creating ripples that travel to the edges of my spirit. Let your love downpour on me Father creating soft impressions of You that I may cast a shadow of comfort and peace.

Catch my tears... that they are not wasted, but transcend into sweet-tempered tears of gratitude allowing Your voice to speak to me with amplified intensity. Know my heart Father... bring guidance in Your heavenly ways. I will be waiting in silence... in solitude.

A New Year... A New Beginning...

"The people who walk in darkness will see a great light. For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine." Isaiah 9:2

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

As with every year end, it brings with it a time of reflection and consideration for where we were as compared to where we have come. Did we stick to the resolutions for the year? Did we accomplish or gain something we had been missing in years prior? Love? Job? Family? Were our prayers answered? The questions could go on and on...

As I reflect back on 2008, I view it with mixed emotions. As I recall, I didn't make any resolutions... but I do remember having a strong desire and hope that 2008 would bring me more happiness, love, and joy than in years past... that I would grow in who I am and be a better friend, aunt, sister, and daughter to those around me.

2008 was a challenging year for many of us... the entire world seems in flux... at war... in an economic crisis. There were lost jobs... lost homes... lost retirements... lost loves... lost family. There were those that became sick... angry... depressed... hopeless... lost. And isn't it true that sometimes it is so much easier to focus on our pain and fail to see the many other things we can be grateful for that surround us. Or maybe it's simply what did we learn? How did we grow?

I always stand by the adage "Hindsight is 20/20." Even in our darkest hour, as time goes by, there is healing and resolution... and when we look back at the trials we have endured, we feel a sense of pride that we've moved past it, grew in character and faith, and found ourselves in a better place.

I believe there is a season for every instance in our lives. Where there is hurt, there will be a new day of healing. Where there is pain, there will come a day for renewed pleasures. 2008 was a difficult year for many of us... but I pray that 2009 brings a bright and prosperous season to us all serving as a reminder that our faith in God will always ensure we are taken care of well beyond our own means.

It wasn't until half way through the last year that I placed my hope back in God... and even then, I faltered many, many times. There were times I felt He couldn't hear my prayers, or was just unwilling to give me what I wanted. But in the end, I realize that He gave me everything I needed but I never knew to ask for.

I gained many close friendships that have supported me when I felt hopeless and lost… I found a new church that has helped me grow… I developed a new relationship with my family that has shown me more love than in years past. With all the trials I faced in the last year, nothing outweighs the blessings that I received that I may not have noticed in the moment.

In the end, He is my hope... and will continue to fuel my hope in what is set out for me in the years to come.

Happy New Year to all my friends and family! I love you all for everything you are to me and look forward to seeing you in the new year!

Love,


Regina

The imperfect me...

Mark 4:31 - "[The kingdom of heaven] is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest seed you plant in the ground. Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds of the air can perch in its shade."

John 12:23 - "The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds."

Over the last several months, I found myself a bit lost yet again... It still surprises me when I recognize how easy it is to be so on fire one moment, and to slowly but surely let the fire dim to a mere flame.

This last year has been quite an experience with many moments of laughter, love, and joy... and others of pain, tears, and heartache. It was the first time I can consciously say I prayed to Him and said, "OK God... I'm all yours. Take the reigns. I'm too exhausted and weak to continue to try to find peace on my own." In the past, it was always "God, I'll get back to you if what I think I need doesn't work... I gotta feel like I have some control here so that I can also try to control the outcome. No hard feelings. But stay right there just in case... because if I fall flat on my face and scrape my knees yet again, I'll be sure to pray about it and then I MIGHT finally trust that You know what I need better than I could ever."

And isn't it a beautiful thing... that no matter how many times we forget to lean on Him... forget to call on Him... forget to trust in Him... forget to talk to Him... forget to show our love for Him. Even then, when we call, He always answers and He always comes to our rescue...

[Thank you God for never deserting me... for granting me forgiveness when I don't deserve it and knowing that I will fail yet again. Thank you for presenting yourself over and over again giving me infinite chances to come home sheltered in Your grace.]

Today in church the message was about "dying" every day... Dying to self in order to grow in God's righteousness.

[God, give me the strength and conviction to die daily. To choose You in everything that I do. To be an example and a beacon of light to others around me. Thank You for promising that all I need is faith the size of a mustard seed... that even if I lose focus and the fire within me lessens to a flame or that of a spark, You have promised that even then my faith makes nothing impossible for me.]

Thank you to all of you that have been an encouragement to me over the last year. God has brought so many new friendships into my life that share my faith and for that I am blessed. I pray that I have also been the same for all of you.

I love you Lord... thank you for loving the imperfect me.

By Your Side

I almost forgot how powerful I thought these lyrics were until I was reminded today...

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Taking a detour...

Lately, I've found it difficult to write... some nights the short-lived writing inspiration didn't serve me well in terms of staying awake long enough to jot my thoughts down on paper. Other nights I felt inspired to write, but hesitated sharing those innermost, intimate thoughts with the world. But as I sit here tonight and reflect back on my weekend, I felt motivated to write about the journey I am currently on to live a more fulfilled, blessed life.

As I've expressed before... For years, I have felt God calling me to come back home... To lean on him and relinquish control of what I think my life needs to be as opposed to what He needs it to be. Only recently did I make the decision to do this in anticipation of the changes and peace He has brought into my life.

I've always been known as the "fun" girl... Call me for the next get together and I would be sure to bring loads of laughter with me. I craved the attention... I felt a sense of accomplishment in being the source of funny for the evening... and thrived off of the new "friends" I'd make from one gathering to the next.

Part of my decision to refocus my energy on God was to spend less time drinking and doing the Regina comedienne act and more time focusing on my relationship with Him. I was challenged this weekend... and am feeling like somewhat of a failure.

Friday I drank so much I the night is a vague blur. I woke up feeling like hell and trying to run through the last 45 minutes of the night before as to what led me to go to bed. Saturday was more mild but still left me feeling uneasy about my decisions in how to have "fun".

I think back to many of the jokes and conversations I had throughout the weekend and am a bit ashamed by some of the vulgar, off-color jokes that came out of my mouth. I guess what they say is true: "Old habits die hard." I just felt ugly.

I think it's eye opening to me to experience being around old circles where I am comfortable... but need to remind myself that this new journey I am on is about being uncomfortable... at least for the time being until I find a new place that brings me even more joy than I could achieve before.

By continuing to be a positive representation of a Christian woman... I know I have to find different outlets. Different "fun"... different "humor"... and just a different way to connect with others while still maintaining the integrity of how I want to live my life for God.

In one case, I am proud of who I was this weekend... as we sat around the campfire, I was asked about being a Christian... who I believe goes to heaven and hell, etc. For the first time in a long time, I felt the conviction and passion behind my love for God and his guidance as I shared my personal experiences and understanding.

I left camp early to make it to church today because I felt I needed the personal time with Him. It was the first time I had gone to church in Livermore alone... but it was not intimidating or scary as it had been before. I knew I was going to connect with Him through song and the Word... and I could 100% feel his presence and blessings on my heart as I sat there in worship. I asked for strength and forgiveness. I asked for his continued guidance as I moved forward on this new journey... and to ask that the state of my heart outshines my faults to be a strong representation of who He wants me to be.

I welcome this newfound clarity and direction I've received over the last couple months and am excited to see where I will be this time next year. But in the same light, I remind myself that I need to leave room for a trip-up now and again in order to avoid a complete sense of failure.

God's Mysterious Ways

I've spent my entire life growing up in the church... I still remember going to my very first church off of Saratoga Ave. with my mom and brother in our Sunday best (what we could afford anyway) and after the sermon was over I would run to See's Candies to get those yummy toffee pops.

But, it's interesting to me that something that has been so engrained in me throughout my life is still something that has not become second-nature. What I mean by that is that my relationship with God is something that has taken so many turns and tumbles over the years whereas with other things or people in my life, my passion, time, and commitment comes so naturally, so easily.

When I was in the 7th grade, I was "religiously" involved in my youth group... Every Sunday morning my youth pastor would pick me up from my house in our awesome "hunk-o-junk" youth van (We mobbed in this van everywhere we went! lol). On Fridays, I was dedicated to hanging out with my youth group... then I directed the youth choir... and then I hit high school.

As soon as my family moved to Fremont, it was easy for me to turn away from my church, my church friends, and my relationship with God. It was a second priority... ok, maybe a third or fourth. My mom grew restless trying to get me up on Sundays... and slowly but surely I stopped going altogether.

But it's strange... One of the biggest truths I've come to understand is that God really does work in mysterious ways. After high school, I did my fair share of partying, drinking, drugs, etc. And at the times when I was at the lowest of the low... something would always nag at me in the pit of my stomach. After much deliberation and reasoning, I would give in and reconnect with Him. And later, I would kick myself for having to "reason" with myself. In faith, reasoning is an unnecessary evil.

It's a constant battle... Highs and lows... and it is faith that I struggle with the most. With faith comes trust, and letting go of the control I have on my life and putting faith in God that he will take care of me is a decision I ignore day after day. But in the times that I may not even realize I need Him the most... there He is. It's a beautiful thing... His grace... that though I may not prioritize Him in the way He should be... I am still His priority to love and protect.

These last few weeks have been extremely challenging ones. Day after day my patience, strength, values, and beliefs were put to the test... and as I laid here today crying to myself I was listening to the song "Rain" over and over. Something I do best... feel depressed and listen to melancholy music. lol... But then as I was hitting my iPod to repeat the song without looking... a song came on unexpectedly.

At first, I was annoyed with myself that I wasn't intelligent enough to blindly find the back button... but soon realized it was one of those mysterious ways that God spoke to me. The song was My Savior My God... now playing on my page... I acknowledge when some people hear it, they're going to give me the "Huh?" But I'm not sure I'll ever be able to explain how powerful this was at the very moment I needed to hear it..

It offered a level of clarity and peace that I could not get to on my own in the last few weeks that I have sat talking to just myself... trying to solve things on my own. And lo and behold, today I was finally able to get through a day with some level of serenity. In my heart and mind, I know it was one of those small miracles that we can so easily dismiss at times. I just pray that I will be able to build on this conviction into something greater.

Thank you God for loving me... as imperfect and flawed as I am, you see my heart and desire to be more like you.