Ignored...

A once little girl... laughs in delight
Stars in her eyes brighter than the night
Dreams that stretched well beyond miles
Crinkles in her nose, her innocent smile

One starry night... darker than e're before
An unwelcome touch, impossible to ignore
Her smile faded and was replaced with tears
Halls echoed with screams filled with her fear

First ignored by his mother in shame
She sat in silence while the girl screamed her name
A free hand, a blow to his knee
Would offer the seconds to run and be free

A secret hidden for months at a time
He was just a boy, but an unspeakable crime
She cried for help, "Daddy, protect me!"
But was ignored in love of his beer and whiskey

The girl grows timidly to her teens
Grasping desperately to her fairytale dreams
She searches for love in empty places
Empty pursuits that had no basis

A young woman who turns twenty-one
Enters the bar in search of some fun
She's had her share of drugs and drinking
Her hopes and dreams are simply sinking

One starry night... darker than e're before
She has a drink drugged with something more
The night goes black but soon her eyes open
A man on top of her, but her body frozen

She blacks out once more and wakes next to him
Runs to the bathroom in sheets; locks herself in
Rocking in the corner, she cries to her friend
Her friend heard it all, she was ignored again

A secret hidden for months at a time...
He was a grown man with an unspeakable crime
She asked no one for help, hopeless and alone
She locked her hurt inside to never be shown

A few years later, she falls in love deeply
A strong man he seemed, but not so discreetly
His strength was shown the first time he threw her
She loved him, so she chose not to remember

One starry night... darker than e're before
An unexpected phone call, he was there no more
She cried herself to sleep thinking life is short
Nothing prepared her for pain of this sort

She sat and reflected on her life up 'til then
Questioning how she became this weak woman
Fell in love soon after with an even weaker man
Four years later, a ring returned from her hand

The years pass, and she falls to her knees
Releasing control to a God bigger than she
She knew love and joy, a showering outpour
But continued to open a few more doors

She fell in love deeper than ever before
With a man who wrote from a northern shore
Her heart grew tender with each word she read
Dreaming for a day to feel his touch instead

One starry night... brighter than e're before
He moves across miles to love something more
Fate had its tight grasp on their hearts
As they made several promises to never part

A few months pass, his words started spewing
Reopening wounds that needed no stewing
He loved her and hated her more than anyone
But no matter their love, the trust was undone

He screamed and taunted as she crouched in the corner
She ran far away and he would then mourn her
She reached out for help, seeking healing for both
And was ignored once again by a man with the oath

One starry night... darker than e're before
She writes her life story in search of something more
The tears stream down as she feels all alone
Her love, hopes, and dreams again overthrown

Lamenting her lover she loved so deeply
Knowing their dreams would never come cheaply
Hoping in time for truth to have its glory
Ignored no more, but heard and loved gently

Psalm 91:13-15

You are...

I stare at the shackles that lay open at my feet
And am drawn to my knees in thanksgiving
Iron rusting with time... as Your water erodes the
Ragged stones of my past, they become like fine sand
It's Your mercy...

I relentlessly battle with pride... the "I knows..."
Failing to feel the way Your current pulls
I stop stroking and drift gently into Your arms
Hold me in Your safety... embrace me in peace
It's Your promise...

I hear the words and lies my enemies have spewed
I alone cower to the fire and destruction they pour out
Shield me in Your truth... Draw out the sword of Your Spirit
I take refuge in my Father's... my Abba's house
It's Your offering...

I trust in Your word... I delight in Your timing
My heart is healing at the sound of Your voice
My soul is full with Your provision of love and grace
I praise you my King... Jehovah Adonai
It's Your love...

Sweet abandon...

Peaks and valleys... highs and lows
The verdant green grass hugs the crest of the hillside
Painting a landscape for awestruck gazes
A gift solely for my eyes... the whisper of a Creator

Sweet abandon pursues my tired mind...
Letting go dissolves a worthless weight
My stride slows to a gentle, melodic pace
Surrendering my breathe to a cool, brisk wind...

A strong but merciful hand hovers behind me...
Softly leading me down a sandy pebble graced bank
The clear water laps quietly at my bare feet...
The coolness of each step quenches the fire

I know You are with me... always... forever
The seconds playfully skip into a silent void
The leaves rustle and emit a soothing static
Electricity arises, pulsates... my heart stays calm

My stride is light with rising trust and hope...
My steps are hushed with a welcome mystery
The path trails off into a wooded forest
Dispensing a resplendent alchemistic glow

Blindfold me with wonder and obedience
Make each new step feel as though it were a first...
The joy of exploration with no restriction
Relieve my need to know stepping into this sandbox

Build castles that emerge from nothingness
Call into play dreams of magical moments
Release the sweltering knowledge of past
Open my heart to a gravitating new...

Sweet surrender... sweet abandon... Abba, I am Yours.

Sunbursts

As the clouds roll through, the sunbursts warm my skin.

Finding myself in shadow and light...

Whisking away the clouds to feel the warmth once more.

Orange and yellow rays highlight the freckles on my nose...

And remind me of a childlike horizon of past.

The cotton like veil teases my gratitude...

As I patiently wait for a pitter of rain to cool the burn...

A throbbing sear of angst and regret looms in my heart

The wind tears the sheet and a single blade brings hope once more

Sentiments of love and princess poetry waits on my lips.

Chase the windy staircase and rescue my heart...

Rescue my snowy skin that eagerly awaits a burst of sun

A rosy color fills my cheeks and births new, naive wishes

Wishes that know no hurt... no disappointment... no tears.

But impossible dreams of lost tradition.

I walk swiftly... paying no mind to the thick fog ahead...

I run freely... knowing my fall will be in Your hands...

I dance lovely... in the beauty You have created...

I sleep safely... in Your loving protection...

A letter alone...

Such a familiar friend... I am again... alone. The auto-pilot function that so often helps me survive the changes in life has quietly subsided and the process of acceptance and grieving has taken its place. Grieving of lost love... dreams... security...

Tears are readily available day after day. An emotional outpour that I wanted to believe were just hormones, but are now a regular part of my state. I walk through my daily tasks with lead weights on my feet and still manage to accomplish my checklist, yet lay my head down unsettled. I see news to be celebrated all around me and all I can do is cry wondering when I will have my own day that my soul dances... a day to be celebrated.

A lesson in selfless love... genuinely celebrating those you love while quietly mourning my own wants and dreams... And that's all they feel like... dreams... empty... failed dreams...

The volume cranks on memories I have set aside and locked away when the rest of my life feels empty and lifeless. Memories that make me angry... bitter... sad... joyous... loved... loving... What I would give to feel pure uninhibited joy and love for just a moment. A simple reminder that I can still feel those things... and I can still have those things... and that I am not alone.

45 minutes is only 45 minutes I chanted. Was I trying to convince those I love or myself? I feel like 45 minutes is 45 too long from a warm embrace around me... a simple how do you do... a friendly, familiar face... a moment to exchange the latest with the people you miss everyday.

Is this what you wanted for me Lord? To be okay just being with me... and You? Because I don't feel okay. I feel the warmth of my tears filling my eyes... the escape of angst rolling down my cheeks. I truly felt like I was following your lead... but now I feel misguided and bemused by myself.

Beauty for ashes... I am reminded. And I covet the days I celebrated the freedom I felt once I trudged through the shame of my past. I struggle with trusting You now... feeling You now... Instead I feel forgotten. Remind me that You are here... that You have promises that are yet to be fulfilled for me. My spirit is heavy... my vision foggy... my ears muddled... Make Yourself known in Your peace and comfort.

I have all these voices in my head telling me I am not good enough... I am not lovable enough... I am not enough... Why else do I fail every time I pour out my heart and soul? What words should I hold onto and ponder deep in my heart to be loved?

I know these are not Your desire for me. But these voices vex my soul and can make even the most absurd lie sit like tar in my spirit. Sinister lies that find a path into my heart and create bitterness, jealousy, and paranoia.

Replace the lies Lord with the truth that I am Your beloved daughter... Loved by a King... Cherished for intrinsic beauty that was by Your design. That I am lovable just as I am... that I do not have to try. That You celebrate and are amazed by me daily. I am tired... so tired... so drained... so disappointed... so heartbroken. Mend these wounds and gashes in my tender heart. I have nothing left... no more energy to pick myself up.

I pray... as I cry myself to sleep once more... Hold me in Your hands and never let me go.

Writer's Block

There is no more beauty in these words... so I cower to prose. A simple letter to myself. But remembering how much I felt that even words in prose offered me so much comfort. Made me feel understood... even if written just for me. To organize the jumbled mess of emotions and thoughts stirring in my mind. Writing offered a way to slow the words down just enough until one jumped into my fingers and then onto the screen.

I want to WRITE! I want to love what I write again... I want the words to flow down in a wondrous pattern that paints a magnificent beauty of what could only encapsulate a glimpse of what I am feeling... but still, this made me feel alive!

Even when I read the harvest of the last several years... I feel I am reading the same thing over and over again. Same parallels... same sentiments... same color... same metaphors. Where is my creativity?

Sometimes my best writing came after a few (or more!) glasses of wine. No wonder artists are raging lunatics, alcoholics, and drug-induced talent. It's like it unlocks this little door that says, "Hey! Nothing you write down right now needs to make sense... you have a perfect excuse. So just write down all the nonsense and in the morning you will find it a sobering moment when you realize there was still beauty that came from a drunken moonlit night."

But I don't want that... No... I want the true inspiration. The inspiration that awakens this sleeping giant within that says, I must write this down... I must remove my ego and let all this goodness overflow onto a page that other's can experience with me... that make others feel alive with me.

With so much movement... so much change right now... I should have something that feels like it needs to pour out. And I don't.

When I am loved... I pour out. When I love... I pour out. The rest is white noise... static in the background that doesn't empower me to decipher any tangible nuggets to record.

White noise... Ugh... someone change the channel.

A daughter's prayer...

Mercy Jesus... Grace for me...

A hope filled search for clarity...

A race I run, a hundred miles...

One greasy rung... an endless stile...

I fall dear Prince... Your hands await...

I stand again... a new estate...

I see a past from which I've come...

A burning heart... I've just begun...

Walk with me Jesus, hold my hand...

Be my strength when I can't stand...

A yearning heart crawls tenderly...

Soaked in Your love so gingerly...

Remind me Lord as I forget...

Your embrace has never left me yet...

I pray, I praise Your presence Lord...

The hurts aside, my heart is Yours...

Take me now, a broken child...

A Father's love who's just and mild...

I walk with You... take all of me...

Fill my heart with purity...

Your little girl painted to life...

A Father who weeps with all her strife...

I cling to You in joy and sorrow...

Your promises fill all my tomorrows...

I sleep in peace... with You so near...

I now let go of all I fear...

Please take my burdens as Your own...

No toil of mine shall go unknown...

Thank you Father... your love transcends...

Your faithfulness that never bends...

I love you Abba... Sweet dreams this night...

Your daughter rests in love and light...

Love, Light, Life...

Letters and vowels scattered across a starving page...
Searching... for logic, for reason to remember a gift...
Easily forgotten, yet reverberating underneath the surface...
Ready to erupt from bubbling springs that once stood cold...

Life dances around me... love blooming as far as one can see...
I celebrate.... standing in awe of the unexpected that unfolds...
Meanwhile mending my own torn seams and patches...
A cozy quilt of my past and present sewn with hopes of tomorrow...

I stand in a field of knee-high grass... blue sky stretched out before me...
My bare feet feel the dampness of the earth as my heels sink in...
The sun sets in the distance painting an array of color...
A large brassy coin setting on a once beautiful day to a mysterious night...

The stars in the sky make company... the moon casts a familiar hello...
My face glows a silvery gray... It is not cold... It is transcendent...
The light envelopes me until day break when the sun brings warmth...
His presence still surrounds me... I am not alone...

Love surrounds me... Light within me... Life before me...
Life surrounds me... Love within me... Light before me...
Light surrounds me... Life within me... Love before me...

I pick up my mat... and walk...

Untitled

a mind that swirls like a whirlpool of rain.
amused by my inability to write in joy.
bemused by my words in pain.
addicted to this empty place.
a place that fixates on the past.
a past that never taught me love.
so where did i learn love?
how do i know love?
its taste sits sweet on my tongue.
its smell perfumes the wind around me.
its light illuminates the dark corners.
but blow gently, the light is out.
the warmth of my breath now turns cold.
haunted by memories.
always haunted.
wanting a different life.
a different youth.
a different now.
somebody see me.
not for the parade.
not for what is clear.
i am not glass.

The depth of pain... the height of joy...

The level of resiliency that people are gifted with never ceases to amaze me when faced with life's difficulties and challenges. We are blessed by God with a threshold for pain that brings people of all ages well past what seems like an acceptable amount of conflict and fear. We've all heard a story that amazes us because the person persevered and displayed an incredible amount of healing and recovery from such circumstances as death, illness, abuse, torture, terrorism and so on.

At times we may even judge someone who doesn't seemingly have this level of resiliency because we subconsciously compare our own difficult circumstances with theirs. If we equate in our minds that we have gone through something worse, there is an unwelcome tendency to judge that person as weak or dramatic. As someone brilliant once eloquently put it, "We judge other's pain from the window of our own experience." An epiphany I had several years ago as I found myself doing this was that a person's pain is the deepest pain they know.

Our threshold for pain is built over time through difficult circumstances that challenge us to learn to cope, forgive, and heal. All too often, we may even forget the forgiveness and healing part... but ah, what the hell... we cope enough to fake it... for awhile at least.

When we deal with a circumstance for the first time, we have to fuddle around in our emotions until we figure out a way to get through it that will protect our hearts as best we can. If we run into the same circumstance, we then know what to do until the next new challenge comes along... which stretches us to face that deeper level of pain until we find a new strategy to protect ourselves the best we can and the cycle continues. But as they say, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Cliche, but most would agree is true. I would add that there are even more blessings to reap from our painful experiences.

The deeper our pain, the more opportunity to experience joy at an entirely new and amazing level. When you only know a certain depth of pain, it seems natural to only appreciate things in a reciprocal manner. Often times we fail to see how blessed we are, until we enter a new depth of pain, we trudge through the murky waters, and clean ourselves off with an entirely new appreciation of all the greatness around us.

Today, there are so many that I know who are going through awkward transitions, painful loss, and the like. I pray that these are words of encouragement along the same lines that "It is always darkest before the dawn"... If you are feeling hopeless and in a darker place than you have been before... know that your day is coming and the light will shine brighter than you have ever experienced!

For others, I pray that we are reminded of our God-given gifts to be empathetic, compassionate, and loving by remembering a time that we too were at the same threshold of pain... I pray that we reject the opportunity to compare and judge... and that we walk in step, side-by-side with those that are in need and share the hope that we have been given through our own painful but blessed journey.

Prayer for Silence in Solitude

Solitude... in a sea of people, noises, voices... Is it real Father? I can't see it... I can't feel it. You live and breathe life in all things. Breathe life in me for I am swimming in a sea of people, noises, voices... searching for the promised peace in Your comforting silence. Breathe life in me and allow these finite desires to drain out of me. An empty vessel ready to receive your forgiveness, love, and grace.

Silence the intensity of the deafening decibels that create chaos in my mind. Draw me closer to you with ears that are in tune with the sweet sounds of Your encouraging and embracing harmony. Play music for me... play Our song Lord. My feet want to dance upon yours as Your beloved, precious daughter.

My heart is tender, impressionable... like puddles respond to the rain creating ripples that travel to the edges of my spirit. Let your love downpour on me Father creating soft impressions of You that I may cast a shadow of comfort and peace.

Catch my tears... that they are not wasted, but transcend into sweet-tempered tears of gratitude allowing Your voice to speak to me with amplified intensity. Know my heart Father... bring guidance in Your heavenly ways. I will be waiting in silence... in solitude.

Carousel

The carousel spins for her childish amusement
The silvery horse... grin plastered much like her smile
A coy smile captivating her reflection
The road is covered in soft laden brush.

The reeds bend over in humble forgiveness
Welcoming new steps... tickling her bare feet
... And she dances...

The comfortable silence coerces her unbridled leap
Cotton candy sidewalks caress her fall
The wind carries her laughter forward
The sun shines on her anxious anticipation

Her hair blows gently in the carousel circles
The chime melody rings softly in her ears
And she hums... she sings... harmonizing the chaos
Answers await as the dizzying carousel spins

"Patience..." she whispers... one day at a time...
Yet every day seems one too long...
The weight of hope destined to lead her heart
Her heart... destined to open once more.

And the carousel spins... blurring reality
Watercolors spill onto her empty canvas
And she paints... scenes fit only for a Queen
The carousel spins... Oh, I love how it spins...

A New Year... A New Beginning...

"The people who walk in darkness will see a great light. For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine." Isaiah 9:2

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

As with every year end, it brings with it a time of reflection and consideration for where we were as compared to where we have come. Did we stick to the resolutions for the year? Did we accomplish or gain something we had been missing in years prior? Love? Job? Family? Were our prayers answered? The questions could go on and on...

As I reflect back on 2008, I view it with mixed emotions. As I recall, I didn't make any resolutions... but I do remember having a strong desire and hope that 2008 would bring me more happiness, love, and joy than in years past... that I would grow in who I am and be a better friend, aunt, sister, and daughter to those around me.

2008 was a challenging year for many of us... the entire world seems in flux... at war... in an economic crisis. There were lost jobs... lost homes... lost retirements... lost loves... lost family. There were those that became sick... angry... depressed... hopeless... lost. And isn't it true that sometimes it is so much easier to focus on our pain and fail to see the many other things we can be grateful for that surround us. Or maybe it's simply what did we learn? How did we grow?

I always stand by the adage "Hindsight is 20/20." Even in our darkest hour, as time goes by, there is healing and resolution... and when we look back at the trials we have endured, we feel a sense of pride that we've moved past it, grew in character and faith, and found ourselves in a better place.

I believe there is a season for every instance in our lives. Where there is hurt, there will be a new day of healing. Where there is pain, there will come a day for renewed pleasures. 2008 was a difficult year for many of us... but I pray that 2009 brings a bright and prosperous season to us all serving as a reminder that our faith in God will always ensure we are taken care of well beyond our own means.

It wasn't until half way through the last year that I placed my hope back in God... and even then, I faltered many, many times. There were times I felt He couldn't hear my prayers, or was just unwilling to give me what I wanted. But in the end, I realize that He gave me everything I needed but I never knew to ask for.

I gained many close friendships that have supported me when I felt hopeless and lost… I found a new church that has helped me grow… I developed a new relationship with my family that has shown me more love than in years past. With all the trials I faced in the last year, nothing outweighs the blessings that I received that I may not have noticed in the moment.

In the end, He is my hope... and will continue to fuel my hope in what is set out for me in the years to come.

Happy New Year to all my friends and family! I love you all for everything you are to me and look forward to seeing you in the new year!

Love,


Regina

I wish I remembered...

I wish I remembered your sleepy eyes...
Staring at me in wonder and amazement
Fixated on my gentle smile so wise
My loving gaze erased tears' torment

I wish I remembered your tranquil lips...
Unruffled by the clamorous chaos near
And as the light hid under the moon's eclipse
Sleep touched you with a calm so clear

I wish I remembered your sweetened scent...
The eminent draw of warm cookies in winter
And as the sugary winter came and went
The candy-coated you remained just as you were

I wish I remembered the sound of your song...
Silently charming crowds in near distance
Your grace and joy danced pleasingly along
Drew a heightened path of least resistance

But my memory doesn't serve me right...
It remains a foggy haze.
It's the story I whisper to myself at night
That gets me through the days.

I wish that I remembered...
Just one simple thought of you...

I wish that I remembered...
But we never met before night fell on you...

I am who I am

I cry for much... I laugh too loud
My words blur together as it races behind my thoughts
I rumble while I sleep while quietly dreaming of you
But love me for me, or not at all...

I stumble yet again... I brush myself off
I lay awake this night to soothe the nagging queries
My heart reaches out to you, my mouth sewn shut
But love me for me, or not at all...

I expect plenty... I give too much
My rich curiosity a bottomless pit of questions
My time-wrinkled face speckled with youthful freckles
But love me for me, or not at all...

I get tired and lonely... I'm joyous and loving
I whisper to myself in hopes you might hear me
I slouch down in fear my shadow will overwhelm you
But love me for me, or not at all...

I grumble of hurt... I shout when excited
I talk obliviously over your tears, so you can hear mine
I preach life and love truths, yet forget to live
But love me for me, or not at all...

I am often wrong... Yet, always right
I forget the "I'm sorry" at the end of a fight
But tonight I ask for forgiveness with one special request
To love me for me, or not at all...

Reflections of the storm...

"How long have I been in this storm?"
Imprisoned in my thoughts as the night falls around me
My heartbeat unsettles everything within
Cracks surfacing, tear-filled canyons in my mind

Pictures paint a smile for what no one else can see
Voices and laughter fiercely smudging the harsh edges
I'll be your center stage... laugh with me
My guise grows strong with dizzying repetition

I am strong... yet I am weak
A walking contradiction... a beautiful disaster
I am lost... I want to be found
Discover me brightly in this world anew

A world where I am alone and wonderous
A world where there are no past loves
No encore performances to please you, my loves
Scurrying to heal and mend where I have no control

And only now... "I can walk on water"...
Brushing the glass surface staring at my reflection
Her modest, peaceful face is unfamiliar to me
Her benevolent tears ripple the waters beneath my feet

"And I will walk on water... and I know everthing will be alright"

Has anyone ever sacrificed something for you?

First, I wanted to wish a Happy Mother's Day to all my friends who are blessed to have the joy of motherhood. Being a mother is a gift that I can only imagine reaps rewards every single day.

Proverbs 31:25-29

"Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure; she rejoices over the future [the latter day or time to come, knowing that she and her family are in readiness for it]! She opens her mouth in skillful and godly Wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness [giving counsel and instruction]... Her children rise up and call her blessed (happy, fortunate, and to be envied); and her husband boasts of and praises her..."

As I sat in service with my mom this morning... they played a video that asked the question "Has anyone ever sacrificed anything for you?" The overwhelming response was... "my mother". It struck me as truth immediately, and I then began to ponder... what has she sacrificed for me?

If you've ever had the opportunity to meet my mother... you instantly fall in love with her kind, heartfelt demeanor. She could be misconstrued as meek and mild by sheer size... but she is actually one of the strongest people I know.

Four year's ago I was at my parent's house for Mother's day and my mom asked me, "Do you ever wonder why I stayed with your father?" The question shocked me not from the magnitude of it… but because I had actually asked myself this question time and time again growing up in a household full of turmoil, anger, and dysfunction. She went on to tell me… "There were so many times that I was ready to give up… I was tired of hurting… tired of fighting… tired of trying. But in the end, I wanted you to see that no matter what, all things can be worked through. The decision made between two people to share their lives together is a lifetime commitment… and I did not want you to become a part of a cycle of broken households. I wanted you to experience for yourself that with strength and trust in God, you can get through all things."

As she went on to explain in more detail, I couldn't help but break down and cry. All the years I watched my mother go through her struggles, tears, and pain… it was all for me. So that I would grow up to understand the sanctity of marriage and the work and effort it takes to get to a place of understanding and peace.

I have mixed feelings telling this story as I'm sure there are those reading it that do as well. When does compromising in a relationship become compromising yourself? All the years my mother fought to keep our family together were years upon years of sacrificing her own happiness and needs. The love she had for me, my brother, and father at times outweighed the love she had for her own self. Her first instinct was to protect us… whether it was in the present moment, or later on in our lives when we would also have to make the commitment to share our lives with someone else.

After 32 years of marriage, my parents have fortunately found their place of love, appreciation, and understanding… but it was no smooth journey. Many times they veered off into a tangled web of self destruction… but without fail… they were eventually able to look beyond the pain and find themselves moving forward to a place of forgiveness and love.

I've always aspired to have the strength, patience, trust, faith and endurance that my mother has… but I never really looked at my parents as a model couple until today. Just by meeting them, you see that they are quite the opposites… but in the end, they have found a common love that has joined them together in devotion and perseverance.

Where I struggle is again… when does compromising in a relationship become compromising yourself? Where is the balance of being selfish and taking care of your own individual needs vs. having a spirit of giving that is an act of service, love and affection for another?

Today we sat at lunch and talked along related lines and she reminded me… that putting my trust in God and letting go of any situation will always bring the right result. I just have to trust that God has a plan for me and remember that through Him, I can get through all things. It's a work in progress… ;)

Taking a detour...

Lately, I've found it difficult to write... some nights the short-lived writing inspiration didn't serve me well in terms of staying awake long enough to jot my thoughts down on paper. Other nights I felt inspired to write, but hesitated sharing those innermost, intimate thoughts with the world. But as I sit here tonight and reflect back on my weekend, I felt motivated to write about the journey I am currently on to live a more fulfilled, blessed life.

As I've expressed before... For years, I have felt God calling me to come back home... To lean on him and relinquish control of what I think my life needs to be as opposed to what He needs it to be. Only recently did I make the decision to do this in anticipation of the changes and peace He has brought into my life.

I've always been known as the "fun" girl... Call me for the next get together and I would be sure to bring loads of laughter with me. I craved the attention... I felt a sense of accomplishment in being the source of funny for the evening... and thrived off of the new "friends" I'd make from one gathering to the next.

Part of my decision to refocus my energy on God was to spend less time drinking and doing the Regina comedienne act and more time focusing on my relationship with Him. I was challenged this weekend... and am feeling like somewhat of a failure.

Friday I drank so much I the night is a vague blur. I woke up feeling like hell and trying to run through the last 45 minutes of the night before as to what led me to go to bed. Saturday was more mild but still left me feeling uneasy about my decisions in how to have "fun".

I think back to many of the jokes and conversations I had throughout the weekend and am a bit ashamed by some of the vulgar, off-color jokes that came out of my mouth. I guess what they say is true: "Old habits die hard." I just felt ugly.

I think it's eye opening to me to experience being around old circles where I am comfortable... but need to remind myself that this new journey I am on is about being uncomfortable... at least for the time being until I find a new place that brings me even more joy than I could achieve before.

By continuing to be a positive representation of a Christian woman... I know I have to find different outlets. Different "fun"... different "humor"... and just a different way to connect with others while still maintaining the integrity of how I want to live my life for God.

In one case, I am proud of who I was this weekend... as we sat around the campfire, I was asked about being a Christian... who I believe goes to heaven and hell, etc. For the first time in a long time, I felt the conviction and passion behind my love for God and his guidance as I shared my personal experiences and understanding.

I left camp early to make it to church today because I felt I needed the personal time with Him. It was the first time I had gone to church in Livermore alone... but it was not intimidating or scary as it had been before. I knew I was going to connect with Him through song and the Word... and I could 100% feel his presence and blessings on my heart as I sat there in worship. I asked for strength and forgiveness. I asked for his continued guidance as I moved forward on this new journey... and to ask that the state of my heart outshines my faults to be a strong representation of who He wants me to be.

I welcome this newfound clarity and direction I've received over the last couple months and am excited to see where I will be this time next year. But in the same light, I remind myself that I need to leave room for a trip-up now and again in order to avoid a complete sense of failure.

Know me... Know you... Maybe...

"What does that mean know me, know me, nobody ever knows anybody else, ever! You will never know me."

We can spend a lifetime "knowing" someone... spending so much time and effort trying to know who they are inside and out... but is it even possible? Will you ever know someone to that extent? Their innermost thoughts? Their dreams? Their fears? Events that they would even like to forget? Their repellant thoughts that they are too reluctant to admit out loud?

Do you deny it? That we've all had contemptible thoughts at some time or another. Sometimes it's out of jealousy... others out of hate... love... curiosity... ignorance... and we keep them to ourselves... because heaven forbid you say them out loud and be judged. So they sit there... and marinate in the confines of our psyche... shaming us... but still silent and content knowing it will remain captive. No, no one will know anyone 100%.

Not me... Granted, there are those that know me as much as can be predicted... but to know me... 100%. *sigh* Not sure that's possible. Maybe I'm too complex. Maybe that's giving me too much credit lol... Maybe that's been my problem in relationships past… the expectation that they should know everything about me, when in reality it was asking the impossible.

Maybe it's not such a bad thing... to have a piece of you that you can't ever explain to another. It's just you... and it's something only one can cherish within themselves... It's comforting in a way... that no matter how much you expose yourself to the world around you... there is always a piece that will remain cryptic... It's the mystery that draws the world to want to know more. It's what makes you unique... something that can't be counterfeited by any other.

But again… maybe it's also what drives one to never be satisfied... finding yourself in a relationship or friendship for years... and in the end still asking the question... why didn't it work? And though you can make a list with reason after reason after reason that lies surface deep... none seem to answer the question for your pacification. Maybe it was that X factor... the part of that person that you could never and will never quite figure out...

Maybe our fulfillment rests in only aspiring to know ourselves 100% and giving up on the ideal that we will ever know someone else in the same capacity.

And maybe, just maybe… it will alleviate the questions I ask about "them"... and me.

Damaged...

Damaged... The imperfections that resound on the surface of our skin... Our past seeping through the cracks of the deepest, darkest places that were once deadbolted to create the avoidance of closure we so desparately needed.

The diminuendo of your mind racing with each day that passes met by the crescendo of time catching up with the unanswered questions... the "what if"... the "I regret"... the "what I would have done differently"... the "I should have done this"... the "I remember when"... the "I should have said this"... the "We tried so hard"... the "Love should have been enough"...

But sometimes the answers can only be conjured in your own mind... Your pride says that you shouldn't be the one to talk... Your fear says that the person holding the answers is the person who hurt you in the first place... Your confusion says you'll never get the answers you're hoping for... Your pain says you can't trust that the person won't hurt you again... and in the end, you tell yourself a story that quiets the broken chords if only for a moment. If only to get one night's rest.

And as you lie there... creating your own lullaby... you know morning will erase the reconciled music you wrote only hours before. But you're relieved... because one quiet, peaceful night was worth the lie...