Never Knew

A simple exchange, stepping out

Never knew this was what it was about

Taking a leap into your arms

Getting lost in your natural charms

Silencing all those plaguing voices

Taking comfort in our choices

To be, to live, to love

Never knew what I'd only dreamed of

An easy tie, a closeness, a comfort

In our kisses as we left behind summer

Never knew just how much

I'd quickly need your smell, your touch

Searching for your warmth in the night

Watching you sleep in the morning light

Melting away as you kiss my knee

Never knew this is how it could be

My mind always carried away

My heart wishing for you to stay

Finding myself lost in your stares

Never knew I could feel so bare

Naked, my whole self exposed and open

Wrestling thoughts of feeling broken

Never knew your words could be

The soothing balm that would help heal me

Finding myself sinking deeply

Patiently, quietly, meekly

Lingering on your words, your kiss

Never knew it could be like this

Sunsets and sand dunes

I felt the cold concrete beneath my calloused feet

The numbness of my calloused heart
Wincing at the pebbled surface prickling my skin

The air chills with evening

As my eyes lift to the bay, my gaze is lost in the light

A blanket of menacing dark clouds

Peels back to celebrate tangerine threads and fire-red silks

The dank tears clear from my eyes

The sun sets over San Francisco sand dunes

With dry seagrasses dancing next to you

Smoke fills your lungs as you wistfully watch

Ocean waves breaking much like hopeful hearts

But as the sunset met the San Francisco sand dunes

The bay breeze blew the past away

My heart—no, all of me—felt seen and alive

As your ocean-filled eyes stared back into mine

Your arms feeling like the home I longed for

Your lips enveloping mine so gently

Tenderly melting the barbed wire from my heart

As I sunk into the steely, serene pools of you

The days bring with it quiet whisperings of love

As we teeter into this fear-laced place

But, I wrestle to believe that without fear and risk and pain

There is no you... there is no love

So I stand between the sunset and the sand dunes

I stand here waiting next to you

Unlatched, alive, and singed, but here

Open to you... open to love

Goodbye

The eerie emptiness on the heels of goodbye.
Searching for the yearning, but coming up empty.

The emptiness filled with space... with air... with light.

The golden light pours out on the table we used to share.

The table that feels more full with you gone.

Gone... I dreamed of this moment. The moment I left you.

The moment I could say goodbye firmly planted.

The moment I could feel the freedom fill my body.

The energy superseding any semblance of remorse... of guilt.

The moment I chose me. 

I search the deep and vast banks of my memories.

Searching for something I'll miss. 

Something that will open the doors to doubt.

I come up empty. I revel in the emptiness.

An emptiness I now fill.

Breathing out the stale air of us.

Breathing in the newness of me.

Not just the me before you... the me now.

Stronger, wiser, braver.

And for that, I thank you.

I thank you for the pain, the void, the loneliness.

Because in those years of loneliness, I found me.

Stronger, wiser, braver.

The fire in me that was suffocated by the weight of you.

The fire that now burns like an inferno in me.

Goodbye, dear lover.

My lover who never loved. 

My lover who choked my love.

My lover who loved only himself.

Goodbye, forever. Goodbye.

Simple Reminder

As you opened the door, my heart raced within me...
An awkward pause as I searched for permission
To nestle within your arms once more...
As your hand rested against my neck
I found the familiar comfort I started to forget.
... and I wanted to stay there forever.
An awkward pause as you asked permission
To kiss these lips that always welcomed yours...
A hesitant pause wondering if I would lose all control
And I cowered beneath my fear for the moment
Left powerless beneath my desire for you
My desire for us... for a familiar connection
I started to forget...
As your lips met mine, all fear dissolved
The love swept past my lips
Over and over and over again...
To hear you tell me you love me
Warmed me like a heavy blanket
I could not bare to leave you
In fear of the chill without you near me.
In a moment, I was filled up with you
And all the love that was waiting
Bubbled to the surface pouring over you
As I left you on the doorstep
All I knew was that I wanted to love you...
That I didn't want another moment
Without the warmth of your love.
It was just the simple reminder I needed...

In the silence...

My mind feels like an empty canvas
Waiting endlessly for the first stroke to be painted
Across a stark white space begging for color
Black, gray, gradients of burnt embers
Smudged against a colorful spray of light
Light peeking behind a cracked door
Suspense fills me as wonder creeps in
Is it fluorescent light stripping all warmth
Or a warm ambient light casting playful
Shadows that elude to a hopeful narrative
The pillows envelope me as my head pounds
Soft velvet blue cushions against bland beiges
The contrast amuses me as I ponder
...Where are you....
...What are you thinking...
...Do you miss me?
Has your heart crashed against your chest
With the blood pumping through your brain?
Has this time filled your heart with longing for me
As my heart aches for you
I long to lay my head against your chest
As it rises with your breath
Tickle my hair... caress my skin
As your lips brush my forehead
Leaving traces of wet kisses
Cooled by the still air
I search my heart for the words we spoke
And it is drowned out by the words I want to say
...I love you...
...I want us...
...I am sorry...
Do my words reach you across this distance?
Does your heart warm as I send them out?
Could we forget the hurt and embrace the new once more?
Pretend we are two starry eyed lovers
Laying eyes on each other like the first time?
I remember the distance between us
Was once filled with an energy that connected us
Across tables and mountains and bedrooms
Can we start over?
Will you see me like you did then?
I cling to hopes of a new tomorrow
I cling to love for you.

Enraptured...

Even in the bellowing thunder and sheets of rain...
I am enraptured by Your love...
A swift pursuit of my heart with gentle reminders of You...
I breathe You into the depths of my spirit...
Filling every cell with a dance to your rhythm...

Your divine company brings warmth to the day...
A keyhole crafted that welcomes me into You...
A proud daddy of his sweet princess...
Eyes glistening with misty love...
I feel Your hand near me and wrap my fingers tight.

Never let me go... Lead me by still waters...
Remind me of the golden path laid out for me...
A crystal knob pulls open a drawer of light...
Rainbows encase the room around me...
I spin in childlike approval and delight...

Your careful stitching of every seam in me...
Your worried weaving of beauty from ashes...
Your tears fall into a familiar stream of my own...
This perfect love, an anointing upon me...
Priceless and designed uniquely for me...

Undeserving and overwhelmed with humility...
Break me Father, I bow at Your feet...
I praise You... Worship You... Love You...
Always flawed... made pure in Your tender grace...
Always needing... but made full in Your perfect love.

Sunbursts

As the clouds roll through, the sunbursts warm my skin.

Finding myself in shadow and light...

Whisking away the clouds to feel the warmth once more.

Orange and yellow rays highlight the freckles on my nose...

And remind me of a childlike horizon of past.

The cotton like veil teases my gratitude...

As I patiently wait for a pitter of rain to cool the burn...

A throbbing sear of angst and regret looms in my heart

The wind tears the sheet and a single blade brings hope once more

Sentiments of love and princess poetry waits on my lips.

Chase the windy staircase and rescue my heart...

Rescue my snowy skin that eagerly awaits a burst of sun

A rosy color fills my cheeks and births new, naive wishes

Wishes that know no hurt... no disappointment... no tears.

But impossible dreams of lost tradition.

I walk swiftly... paying no mind to the thick fog ahead...

I run freely... knowing my fall will be in Your hands...

I dance lovely... in the beauty You have created...

I sleep safely... in Your loving protection...

A letter alone...

Such a familiar friend... I am again... alone. The auto-pilot function that so often helps me survive the changes in life has quietly subsided and the process of acceptance and grieving has taken its place. Grieving of lost love... dreams... security...

Tears are readily available day after day. An emotional outpour that I wanted to believe were just hormones, but are now a regular part of my state. I walk through my daily tasks with lead weights on my feet and still manage to accomplish my checklist, yet lay my head down unsettled. I see news to be celebrated all around me and all I can do is cry wondering when I will have my own day that my soul dances... a day to be celebrated.

A lesson in selfless love... genuinely celebrating those you love while quietly mourning my own wants and dreams... And that's all they feel like... dreams... empty... failed dreams...

The volume cranks on memories I have set aside and locked away when the rest of my life feels empty and lifeless. Memories that make me angry... bitter... sad... joyous... loved... loving... What I would give to feel pure uninhibited joy and love for just a moment. A simple reminder that I can still feel those things... and I can still have those things... and that I am not alone.

45 minutes is only 45 minutes I chanted. Was I trying to convince those I love or myself? I feel like 45 minutes is 45 too long from a warm embrace around me... a simple how do you do... a friendly, familiar face... a moment to exchange the latest with the people you miss everyday.

Is this what you wanted for me Lord? To be okay just being with me... and You? Because I don't feel okay. I feel the warmth of my tears filling my eyes... the escape of angst rolling down my cheeks. I truly felt like I was following your lead... but now I feel misguided and bemused by myself.

Beauty for ashes... I am reminded. And I covet the days I celebrated the freedom I felt once I trudged through the shame of my past. I struggle with trusting You now... feeling You now... Instead I feel forgotten. Remind me that You are here... that You have promises that are yet to be fulfilled for me. My spirit is heavy... my vision foggy... my ears muddled... Make Yourself known in Your peace and comfort.

I have all these voices in my head telling me I am not good enough... I am not lovable enough... I am not enough... Why else do I fail every time I pour out my heart and soul? What words should I hold onto and ponder deep in my heart to be loved?

I know these are not Your desire for me. But these voices vex my soul and can make even the most absurd lie sit like tar in my spirit. Sinister lies that find a path into my heart and create bitterness, jealousy, and paranoia.

Replace the lies Lord with the truth that I am Your beloved daughter... Loved by a King... Cherished for intrinsic beauty that was by Your design. That I am lovable just as I am... that I do not have to try. That You celebrate and are amazed by me daily. I am tired... so tired... so drained... so disappointed... so heartbroken. Mend these wounds and gashes in my tender heart. I have nothing left... no more energy to pick myself up.

I pray... as I cry myself to sleep once more... Hold me in Your hands and never let me go.

ZZzzzZZzZZzzz...

Apathetic...

Numb...

Blank...

Detached...

Detached from whom...

What...

Where...

When...

Why?

I have no words... no inspiration.

The words I write feel empty and without feeling.

I read everything I've written over weeks and feel...

Nothing.

There was a day when the words came smoothly...

Always in passion... always in love...

Today... I am not moved...

I am moving... but not moved.

I am trying to squeeze out poetry... prose... an IOU.

Nothing.

It's all dry... desolate... dead.

Dead words. Dead passion.

I miss my muse...

In passion... In love...

Give me a drop.

Quench me.

Satiate me.

Fulfill me.

Give me words.

Give me love.

Love, Light, Life...

Letters and vowels scattered across a starving page...
Searching... for logic, for reason to remember a gift...
Easily forgotten, yet reverberating underneath the surface...
Ready to erupt from bubbling springs that once stood cold...

Life dances around me... love blooming as far as one can see...
I celebrate.... standing in awe of the unexpected that unfolds...
Meanwhile mending my own torn seams and patches...
A cozy quilt of my past and present sewn with hopes of tomorrow...

I stand in a field of knee-high grass... blue sky stretched out before me...
My bare feet feel the dampness of the earth as my heels sink in...
The sun sets in the distance painting an array of color...
A large brassy coin setting on a once beautiful day to a mysterious night...

The stars in the sky make company... the moon casts a familiar hello...
My face glows a silvery gray... It is not cold... It is transcendent...
The light envelopes me until day break when the sun brings warmth...
His presence still surrounds me... I am not alone...

Love surrounds me... Light within me... Life before me...
Life surrounds me... Love within me... Light before me...
Light surrounds me... Life within me... Love before me...

I pick up my mat... and walk...

Untitled

a mind that swirls like a whirlpool of rain.
amused by my inability to write in joy.
bemused by my words in pain.
addicted to this empty place.
a place that fixates on the past.
a past that never taught me love.
so where did i learn love?
how do i know love?
its taste sits sweet on my tongue.
its smell perfumes the wind around me.
its light illuminates the dark corners.
but blow gently, the light is out.
the warmth of my breath now turns cold.
haunted by memories.
always haunted.
wanting a different life.
a different youth.
a different now.
somebody see me.
not for the parade.
not for what is clear.
i am not glass.

Carousel

The carousel spins for her childish amusement
The silvery horse... grin plastered much like her smile
A coy smile captivating her reflection
The road is covered in soft laden brush.

The reeds bend over in humble forgiveness
Welcoming new steps... tickling her bare feet
... And she dances...

The comfortable silence coerces her unbridled leap
Cotton candy sidewalks caress her fall
The wind carries her laughter forward
The sun shines on her anxious anticipation

Her hair blows gently in the carousel circles
The chime melody rings softly in her ears
And she hums... she sings... harmonizing the chaos
Answers await as the dizzying carousel spins

"Patience..." she whispers... one day at a time...
Yet every day seems one too long...
The weight of hope destined to lead her heart
Her heart... destined to open once more.

And the carousel spins... blurring reality
Watercolors spill onto her empty canvas
And she paints... scenes fit only for a Queen
The carousel spins... Oh, I love how it spins...

Falling Slowly...

A first encounter, nerves nagging down my spine

The unanswered questions slowing my steps

The clouds parting to reveal glittery eyes winking

I walk quickly from the punchline

I've been here before... the something new

The strings are plucked, the melody familiar

Imagination curls my toes, fingers twirl my hair

My pace quickens through the dark streets

The spotlight follows close behind me

A smile escapes the corner of my mouth

As I remember a sweet anecdote of poetry

I remember the rush like a wave gliding sandy shores

Patience leaves me alone to feel the build

My cheeks are flushed with angst

Let me be swept, leave me open

Vertigo sets in, my balance is thrown

And I fall... slowly... sweetly... shamelessly...

I fall...

I wish I remembered...

I wish I remembered your sleepy eyes...
Staring at me in wonder and amazement
Fixated on my gentle smile so wise
My loving gaze erased tears' torment

I wish I remembered your tranquil lips...
Unruffled by the clamorous chaos near
And as the light hid under the moon's eclipse
Sleep touched you with a calm so clear

I wish I remembered your sweetened scent...
The eminent draw of warm cookies in winter
And as the sugary winter came and went
The candy-coated you remained just as you were

I wish I remembered the sound of your song...
Silently charming crowds in near distance
Your grace and joy danced pleasingly along
Drew a heightened path of least resistance

But my memory doesn't serve me right...
It remains a foggy haze.
It's the story I whisper to myself at night
That gets me through the days.

I wish that I remembered...
Just one simple thought of you...

I wish that I remembered...
But we never met before night fell on you...

The truth in fear...

A close friend of mine recently confided in me about her fear of falling in love...

In the past year, I have heard this same "sad" story from numerous people. Sometimes on the receiving end, sometimes as just the listening friend... but I've yet to be the person telling this tale about myself. This doesn't make me any better or worse... just different I suppose.

I've come to a point where I've just become numb every time I hear it... "I've been hurt before... I don't want to be hurt again... It's not worth it..." If it's truly not worth it, why obsess over it? And if it was truly love that caused the angst in the first place... why is all the love forgotten and only the pain remains in our memories keeping us from ever wanting to try again?

Or is the whole story just bull shit? If we were truly honest with ourselves or the "other person", we might just be able to say, "You're not worth it. You're not worth the risk. You're not worth the effort. You're not worth the time. You're not worth the pain. You're not worth the tears. You're not worth the aches. You're not worth the ups and downs. You're not worth the bumps and bruises. You're just not... the one." It's inevitable that in any relationship there are going to be bad times along with the good. If they were worth it... wouldn't there be more risk in losing them then in potential heartache?

If we bought into the fairytale at all, wouldn't it be fair to say that if the person truly was the one... they wouldn't make you have any doubts? It would be easy to make that decision to jump blindly into another roller coaster of emotions, hands brushing the open sky, no need to brace yourself... excitement building as you rise to the top only to feel your stomach drop when you look over to the short ride down into another lull of nauseating euphoria.

Nauseating euphoria lol... Isn't it true when you love someone... even the worst of days with them can feel better than the best of days without them... and in the end, you can still say... it's all worth it.

Love and its traps...

I had a heart to heart with a close friend recently about her own situation.. and it inspired me to write something about my experience over the last few years. I haven't recently been inspired to write about much... but of course, the topic of "love and its traps" always inspires me in my own personal pursuit of truth. This is for you my friend... with some of my own purging to the past.

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Breakups... bittersweet in most circumstances. Either way, someone is the "breaker upper" and the other is the "breaker uppee"... and it's sweeter for one than the other... more bitter for one than the other. Ironically, I've always preferred to be the one broken up with as opposed to breaking up with someone. I realize in some way it's the cowardly thing to do. Wait around just crossing your fingers hoping that he will reach some breaking point and do the deed. It leaves me blameless for giving up, for hurting someone who still wants to be in love. It's my easy way out if there is such a thing. Meanwhile he ignores his own deserved truth that he too is no longer in love, and instead has turned his back to reality.

Trap 1: Sometimes you can find yourself waiting much too long because your significant won't ever let go of the "perfect relationship" they've conjured up in their head.

Just open your eyes... you will realize we were both programmed to go through the motions, and the passion and fire that fueled our happiness some time ago is now only a hallucinogen... a distant memory... extinguished... irreparable.

On the other hand, being the breaker uppee has its own traps should I still be the one in love... or at least blinded to the reality of my situation. I've sat on both sides of the fence... But, I'm a sucker for tears... I can be guilted into staying at least for a relatively short time if I feel it is causing pain... hence avoiding the duty of being the one to leave. In the past, I'd rather deal with what I knew I could... the suffering of being in a relationship to save someone else the tears until they eventually come to the realization that I had already checked out and it forces them to leave.

Ironically, my empathy for the poor lovesick shmoe being left behind doesn't deter me from my own cowardice. I justify it to say I'm doing us both a favor. He can feel like he was "the man" and took control of his emotions making the conscious decision to leave me... I can find myself off the hook from all his tears and the "Why can't we just keep working on this?" episodes. Yes, I realize this probably causes more harm than good on both sides, but it often seems like a good idea at the time.

Trap 2: Though you can go through life being the one who throws their hands up and walks away emotionally... at some point, you will always experience the same devastation you ensued on your past relationship. There will always be someone out there who isn't going to love you the way you love them. And at times, you experience both sides of the fence with the same person... Case in point lol...

Yes, there was a time that the thought of not being with you paralyzed me... In the beginning, you didn't love me... She was better... and so was she! All I wanted was for you to accept me and what I had waiting for you... and I waited. What I had was pure... it was devoted... it was painstakingly blind and gullible. In the meantime, you made your choices... and you tainted my devotion to you and the idea of an "us". It was never the same after that day... Yes, that day... I was trapped... but I lived and I learned... Yes, I've learned...

You spend day and night loving someone... it oozes out of everything you say and do creating this slippery slope of "yucky love stuff" that you can only assume is perceived as the ultimate act of honesty... compassion... trust... adoration... intensity... loyalty... passion... and sanctity. Only to have it thrown back in your face as not enough. To be consistently tested... accused... questioned... why??? I'll never understand why there are those that can't accept such a gift as this.

Trap 3: No matter how much you can love another... you can only love them to the extent they will allow you to love them. Some don't know how to love... others don't know how to be loved. And then there's me... someone who forgets to love herself more than others. Who sacrifices her own happiness to alleviate the suffering of others. I'm learning... This is my journey.

You will never find happiness until you let go of your past. I was not her... and will never be her. I didn't do the things she did... It's not in my nature... Why was this so hard for you to accept? This is me... I thought you loved me for the love I gave to others... for my open and free-spirit. But instead you hated me for it. My biggest virtue is that I know how to love... I decide who I love and if they are in my life, they are there because I made a decision to love them for who they are and the happiness they bring to me. I am confident you will one day look back and realize your shortcomings. You didn't know how nor were you strong enough to be loved by me... maybe you didn't think you deserved it. You were right... Let it go... Let "us" go... I am no longer yours... It is finished.

Damaged...

Damaged... The imperfections that resound on the surface of our skin... Our past seeping through the cracks of the deepest, darkest places that were once deadbolted to create the avoidance of closure we so desparately needed.

The diminuendo of your mind racing with each day that passes met by the crescendo of time catching up with the unanswered questions... the "what if"... the "I regret"... the "what I would have done differently"... the "I should have done this"... the "I remember when"... the "I should have said this"... the "We tried so hard"... the "Love should have been enough"...

But sometimes the answers can only be conjured in your own mind... Your pride says that you shouldn't be the one to talk... Your fear says that the person holding the answers is the person who hurt you in the first place... Your confusion says you'll never get the answers you're hoping for... Your pain says you can't trust that the person won't hurt you again... and in the end, you tell yourself a story that quiets the broken chords if only for a moment. If only to get one night's rest.

And as you lie there... creating your own lullaby... you know morning will erase the reconciled music you wrote only hours before. But you're relieved... because one quiet, peaceful night was worth the lie...

Running

This is the output of wine and lack of sleep...

Hands running through my hair searching for answers...
My mind is lost... running over my face...
Hands running... tears running... I'm running...
A fear of closure that was never requested...

Where is the answer? Acceptance my only peace...
A peace that still aches with regret...
My wine stares at me...
Yet, the answers are nowhere to be found....

Melodies dance in my head...
The chill of the wind calling out to me...
Run.... run.... run...
Again, you did it...
your heart not keeping pace...

My heart not reading the clear story before me...
A heart with so much love, a heart that is blind...
Blind... maybe more than I expected...
Blind... more than I've known...

Not this time... not today... not with you...
Not you, more truth than I thought I'd ever known...
A fog finding rest over my hopeful eyes...
A darkness I didn't wish for...

So I run... and I turn... and I hide...
And it's peaceful in a screeching holler...
And it's peaceful in a clanging crash...
And it's peaceful in a silent scream...

Peaceful..........Just not for me.

Breaking up is hard to do???

You can't imagine how many times I have gotten the sympathy eye recently when I tell people I'm single again lol... Ironically, sometimes I think it's harder for others to accept rather than myself. :)

Understandably I think most would assume that I'm broken up about it... but after four years of trying your best, giving 200% and just not being able to establish core elements of the relationship like trust and respect... how broken up can I really be? And after the 10th breakup (or maybe more lol) it kinda loses that sad emotional impact. What's there to really cry about at a certain point?

It's interesting the sense of freedom you feel after a relationship is over. I remember being single before and wanting so badly to find someone to share things with... and it seems strange that you get what you've been wanting yet don't really realize the commitment it takes until all is said and done. Does that make sense? Hard to explain.

Don't get me wrong... it's all worth the commitment... the good outweighs the bad... but the next go around I am shooting to have the same sense of freedom I feel now being single, but in the relationship. I just feel it's the only way to make it work... He has his life, I have mine, and we have ours. Is that just something we learn as we get older? lol... When you're younger you feel like a relationship means no more me... it's always we. It's a complex, yet overly simplified concept.

The happiest, healthiest relationships I know have freedom. Control is not a necessity for either person. And ultimately, this builds the level of respect that's vital to being lovers and best friends.

Anyhow, as to not go on and on and on with this topic for fear of sounding like a Dr. Phil protege... I'll end it with this. Four years... no regrets... and no need for sympathy. My heart hadn't been vested 100% for quite some time... but when you have a heart as big as mine... sometimes 80% keeps you in longer than you should be.

Deep thoughts by Granny

One of my nearest and dearest wrote this and I thought it was eloquently said...

"I was around you under the impression that we would speak, but you remained silent like an empty rocking chair on a front porch...

You're afraid to admit that the feelings are there and I won't be the first to put myself out there...

I'll remind you later that there is no one who can love you better than me..."