God's Mysterious Ways

I've spent my entire life growing up in the church... I still remember going to my very first church off of Saratoga Ave. with my mom and brother in our Sunday best (what we could afford anyway) and after the sermon was over I would run to See's Candies to get those yummy toffee pops.

But, it's interesting to me that something that has been so engrained in me throughout my life is still something that has not become second-nature. What I mean by that is that my relationship with God is something that has taken so many turns and tumbles over the years whereas with other things or people in my life, my passion, time, and commitment comes so naturally, so easily.

When I was in the 7th grade, I was "religiously" involved in my youth group... Every Sunday morning my youth pastor would pick me up from my house in our awesome "hunk-o-junk" youth van (We mobbed in this van everywhere we went! lol). On Fridays, I was dedicated to hanging out with my youth group... then I directed the youth choir... and then I hit high school.

As soon as my family moved to Fremont, it was easy for me to turn away from my church, my church friends, and my relationship with God. It was a second priority... ok, maybe a third or fourth. My mom grew restless trying to get me up on Sundays... and slowly but surely I stopped going altogether.

But it's strange... One of the biggest truths I've come to understand is that God really does work in mysterious ways. After high school, I did my fair share of partying, drinking, drugs, etc. And at the times when I was at the lowest of the low... something would always nag at me in the pit of my stomach. After much deliberation and reasoning, I would give in and reconnect with Him. And later, I would kick myself for having to "reason" with myself. In faith, reasoning is an unnecessary evil.

It's a constant battle... Highs and lows... and it is faith that I struggle with the most. With faith comes trust, and letting go of the control I have on my life and putting faith in God that he will take care of me is a decision I ignore day after day. But in the times that I may not even realize I need Him the most... there He is. It's a beautiful thing... His grace... that though I may not prioritize Him in the way He should be... I am still His priority to love and protect.

These last few weeks have been extremely challenging ones. Day after day my patience, strength, values, and beliefs were put to the test... and as I laid here today crying to myself I was listening to the song "Rain" over and over. Something I do best... feel depressed and listen to melancholy music. lol... But then as I was hitting my iPod to repeat the song without looking... a song came on unexpectedly.

At first, I was annoyed with myself that I wasn't intelligent enough to blindly find the back button... but soon realized it was one of those mysterious ways that God spoke to me. The song was My Savior My God... now playing on my page... I acknowledge when some people hear it, they're going to give me the "Huh?" But I'm not sure I'll ever be able to explain how powerful this was at the very moment I needed to hear it..

It offered a level of clarity and peace that I could not get to on my own in the last few weeks that I have sat talking to just myself... trying to solve things on my own. And lo and behold, today I was finally able to get through a day with some level of serenity. In my heart and mind, I know it was one of those small miracles that we can so easily dismiss at times. I just pray that I will be able to build on this conviction into something greater.

Thank you God for loving me... as imperfect and flawed as I am, you see my heart and desire to be more like you.