Persona

per·so·na - the mask or façade presented to satisfy the demands of the situation or the environment and not representing the inner personality of the individual; the public personality

We all have one... whether we wear it everyday or just when needed... we have all created one to protect us in some sense. Sometimes I believe I've worn mine so long I forget who I am or I feel angst to break free of the outer person I've created.

I hear it all too often... "You're so confident, boisterous, unafraid..." If I'd only allow access for the world to see all my insecurities... fears... failures... I wonder, would I feel vulnerable or liberated? Liberated through vulnerability...

I am afraid of so much! I'm afraid of being hurt. Afraid of giving my heart away only to have it handed back to me. I've written about my fear of failure time and time again. I'm afraid of disappointing those that are closest to me. I'm afraid of lacking commitment. I'm afraid of failing as a mother, sister, daughter, friend, lover... I'm afraid of committing to the wrong person only to find myself chasing happiness miles behind. I'm afraid of divorce. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of judgement. I'm afraid of criticism. Afraid of taking life too seriously. Afraid of my own emotions. Afraid of missing my youth... Yet, my persona comes across unafraid. Sounds silly, doesn't it?

I suppose this may be due to the fact that I try to face my fears... though it involves risk and the potential to fall flat on my face... I try my best to be true to myself and others... I try to love flawlessly, generously, and unconditionally... I try to understand those that are afraid to love freely... Try to take risks... Try to openly express myself... Try to forgive those that have wronged me as excrutiatingly difficult as this is for me... and I try to live my life spontaneously and in the moment. No wonder I get so exhausted lol... I'm constantly in a state of trying... I wonder who I expect to validate my efforts.

Lately, I've been really emotional! I've cried so much! Some of it I think is sheer PMS lol... I got teary eyed tonight when Hannah Montana came out on stage for crying out loud. Hardly a reason to get emotional. But I suppose I feel that I'm on the verge of a breakthrough in my life. I have control of my life. Every decision is mine...

Yes, if you read between the lines... I'm single once again... yes, again. I know there are bets placed... but this time I'll say it like I said it all too many times before... "I feel different." I believe this now. I got the answer I needed. He will never change... at the core of it all, he will always be him. And for someone else, he will be a perfect him... but for me it wasn't and that's ok. I'm ok with that conclusion.

When I said "I feel different" before... I think I spent a lot of time lying to myself. Isn't that ironic how much time we invest into deceiving ourselves? If we can't be honest with ourselves, who can we be honest with? I think I do it to make myself feel better for a moment... or for a season in my life. But have since realized it only inhibits me from living my life in the moment, seeking out the truth in those moments and savoring it for all its hurt, heartache, happiness, and serenity.

I don't want to miss anything anymore... I don't want to waste any more time looking for answers. The truth is transparent... there is no room for misinterpretation... no chance to get lost in translation. My gut has served me well and I need to listen even when it is not telling me what I want to hear...

I believe there is something more waiting for me... My perfect someone... my dreams and aspirations realized... my fears overcome. And it is within my controlled destiny that will bring it to the forefront.

So there you have it... my everyday persona taken down if only for a moment... did you learn anything? I did...