Convoluted Thoughts

Love, life, and the pursuit of happiness... An adage we've all embraced at some point in our lives. But sometimes I wonder if it's more out of hope than reality. Holding on to such bright eyed and bushy tailed sentiments in hope that there is more out there. That this isn't all we have... that in the end there is something better.

Love... we're all in search of it in some sense or another. In constant search of a connection... friendship, family, companionship. And when those connections come, it's something we hold on to in some instances longer than we should. Is that true though? Is there such a thing as holding on to a connection longer than you should?
Connections come so few and far in between, shouldn't it be something we cherish and remember for as long as possible? It's both my virtue and folly. I constantly find myself holding on to "connections" with those in my past and my present. And while holding on to those connections, I ask myself if I am missing something greater? Or... Is there something more in the relationships and the time and commitment you have put in to those already in your life?

Life... My life... a constant pursuit to prove myself. Constantly pushing me farther and farther into a space that becomes overwhelming... into a space that may not even be what I want. All the pressure, the expectations, the judgement... It's haunting. It's exhausting. I am a grown woman, but am still fighting to find acceptance from a father that has never pushed me to do anything. And I try... so hard... to finally accomplish what I presume will fulfill his sense of pride in me only to find more judgement and opportunities to be disappointed. When will I live my life... make my own choices that are driven by my wants and my desires? I control my own destiny, but haven't yet figured out how to navigate it.

Pursuit of happiness... I've pondered this for what seems like forever. And the best definition I could come up with is... Happiness is simplicity. My life isn't simple and in direct response, I don't remember the last time I felt overwhelmed with happiness. I've had my moments... but nothing that was long lasting. I want the long lasting happiness. The happiness that becomes transparent because day by day you have a sense of peace and fulfillment... no more peaks and valleys of short lived contentment but instead a long-lasting journey filled with comfort and joy.
A convoluted passage... filled with so many questions and not enough answers.