Ignored...

A once little girl... laughs in delight
Stars in her eyes brighter than the night
Dreams that stretched well beyond miles
Crinkles in her nose, her innocent smile

One starry night... darker than e're before
An unwelcome touch, impossible to ignore
Her smile faded and was replaced with tears
Halls echoed with screams filled with her fear

First ignored by his mother in shame
She sat in silence while the girl screamed her name
A free hand, a blow to his knee
Would offer the seconds to run and be free

A secret hidden for months at a time
He was just a boy, but an unspeakable crime
She cried for help, "Daddy, protect me!"
But was ignored in love of his beer and whiskey

The girl grows timidly to her teens
Grasping desperately to her fairytale dreams
She searches for love in empty places
Empty pursuits that had no basis

A young woman who turns twenty-one
Enters the bar in search of some fun
She's had her share of drugs and drinking
Her hopes and dreams are simply sinking

One starry night... darker than e're before
She has a drink drugged with something more
The night goes black but soon her eyes open
A man on top of her, but her body frozen

She blacks out once more and wakes next to him
Runs to the bathroom in sheets; locks herself in
Rocking in the corner, she cries to her friend
Her friend heard it all, she was ignored again

A secret hidden for months at a time...
He was a grown man with an unspeakable crime
She asked no one for help, hopeless and alone
She locked her hurt inside to never be shown

A few years later, she falls in love deeply
A strong man he seemed, but not so discreetly
His strength was shown the first time he threw her
She loved him, so she chose not to remember

One starry night... darker than e're before
An unexpected phone call, he was there no more
She cried herself to sleep thinking life is short
Nothing prepared her for pain of this sort

She sat and reflected on her life up 'til then
Questioning how she became this weak woman
Fell in love soon after with an even weaker man
Four years later, a ring returned from her hand

The years pass, and she falls to her knees
Releasing control to a God bigger than she
She knew love and joy, a showering outpour
But continued to open a few more doors

She fell in love deeper than ever before
With a man who wrote from a northern shore
Her heart grew tender with each word she read
Dreaming for a day to feel his touch instead

One starry night... brighter than e're before
He moves across miles to love something more
Fate had its tight grasp on their hearts
As they made several promises to never part

A few months pass, his words started spewing
Reopening wounds that needed no stewing
He loved her and hated her more than anyone
But no matter their love, the trust was undone

He screamed and taunted as she crouched in the corner
She ran far away and he would then mourn her
She reached out for help, seeking healing for both
And was ignored once again by a man with the oath

One starry night... darker than e're before
She writes her life story in search of something more
The tears stream down as she feels all alone
Her love, hopes, and dreams again overthrown

Lamenting her lover she loved so deeply
Knowing their dreams would never come cheaply
Hoping in time for truth to have its glory
Ignored no more, but heard and loved gently

Psalm 91:13-15

You are...

I stare at the shackles that lay open at my feet
And am drawn to my knees in thanksgiving
Iron rusting with time... as Your water erodes the
Ragged stones of my past, they become like fine sand
It's Your mercy...

I relentlessly battle with pride... the "I knows..."
Failing to feel the way Your current pulls
I stop stroking and drift gently into Your arms
Hold me in Your safety... embrace me in peace
It's Your promise...

I hear the words and lies my enemies have spewed
I alone cower to the fire and destruction they pour out
Shield me in Your truth... Draw out the sword of Your Spirit
I take refuge in my Father's... my Abba's house
It's Your offering...

I trust in Your word... I delight in Your timing
My heart is healing at the sound of Your voice
My soul is full with Your provision of love and grace
I praise you my King... Jehovah Adonai
It's Your love...

Sweet abandon...

Peaks and valleys... highs and lows
The verdant green grass hugs the crest of the hillside
Painting a landscape for awestruck gazes
A gift solely for my eyes... the whisper of a Creator

Sweet abandon pursues my tired mind...
Letting go dissolves a worthless weight
My stride slows to a gentle, melodic pace
Surrendering my breathe to a cool, brisk wind...

A strong but merciful hand hovers behind me...
Softly leading me down a sandy pebble graced bank
The clear water laps quietly at my bare feet...
The coolness of each step quenches the fire

I know You are with me... always... forever
The seconds playfully skip into a silent void
The leaves rustle and emit a soothing static
Electricity arises, pulsates... my heart stays calm

My stride is light with rising trust and hope...
My steps are hushed with a welcome mystery
The path trails off into a wooded forest
Dispensing a resplendent alchemistic glow

Blindfold me with wonder and obedience
Make each new step feel as though it were a first...
The joy of exploration with no restriction
Relieve my need to know stepping into this sandbox

Build castles that emerge from nothingness
Call into play dreams of magical moments
Release the sweltering knowledge of past
Open my heart to a gravitating new...

Sweet surrender... sweet abandon... Abba, I am Yours.

Enraptured...

Even in the bellowing thunder and sheets of rain...
I am enraptured by Your love...
A swift pursuit of my heart with gentle reminders of You...
I breathe You into the depths of my spirit...
Filling every cell with a dance to your rhythm...

Your divine company brings warmth to the day...
A keyhole crafted that welcomes me into You...
A proud daddy of his sweet princess...
Eyes glistening with misty love...
I feel Your hand near me and wrap my fingers tight.

Never let me go... Lead me by still waters...
Remind me of the golden path laid out for me...
A crystal knob pulls open a drawer of light...
Rainbows encase the room around me...
I spin in childlike approval and delight...

Your careful stitching of every seam in me...
Your worried weaving of beauty from ashes...
Your tears fall into a familiar stream of my own...
This perfect love, an anointing upon me...
Priceless and designed uniquely for me...

Undeserving and overwhelmed with humility...
Break me Father, I bow at Your feet...
I praise You... Worship You... Love You...
Always flawed... made pure in Your tender grace...
Always needing... but made full in Your perfect love.

Sunbursts

As the clouds roll through, the sunbursts warm my skin.

Finding myself in shadow and light...

Whisking away the clouds to feel the warmth once more.

Orange and yellow rays highlight the freckles on my nose...

And remind me of a childlike horizon of past.

The cotton like veil teases my gratitude...

As I patiently wait for a pitter of rain to cool the burn...

A throbbing sear of angst and regret looms in my heart

The wind tears the sheet and a single blade brings hope once more

Sentiments of love and princess poetry waits on my lips.

Chase the windy staircase and rescue my heart...

Rescue my snowy skin that eagerly awaits a burst of sun

A rosy color fills my cheeks and births new, naive wishes

Wishes that know no hurt... no disappointment... no tears.

But impossible dreams of lost tradition.

I walk swiftly... paying no mind to the thick fog ahead...

I run freely... knowing my fall will be in Your hands...

I dance lovely... in the beauty You have created...

I sleep safely... in Your loving protection...

A letter alone...

Such a familiar friend... I am again... alone. The auto-pilot function that so often helps me survive the changes in life has quietly subsided and the process of acceptance and grieving has taken its place. Grieving of lost love... dreams... security...

Tears are readily available day after day. An emotional outpour that I wanted to believe were just hormones, but are now a regular part of my state. I walk through my daily tasks with lead weights on my feet and still manage to accomplish my checklist, yet lay my head down unsettled. I see news to be celebrated all around me and all I can do is cry wondering when I will have my own day that my soul dances... a day to be celebrated.

A lesson in selfless love... genuinely celebrating those you love while quietly mourning my own wants and dreams... And that's all they feel like... dreams... empty... failed dreams...

The volume cranks on memories I have set aside and locked away when the rest of my life feels empty and lifeless. Memories that make me angry... bitter... sad... joyous... loved... loving... What I would give to feel pure uninhibited joy and love for just a moment. A simple reminder that I can still feel those things... and I can still have those things... and that I am not alone.

45 minutes is only 45 minutes I chanted. Was I trying to convince those I love or myself? I feel like 45 minutes is 45 too long from a warm embrace around me... a simple how do you do... a friendly, familiar face... a moment to exchange the latest with the people you miss everyday.

Is this what you wanted for me Lord? To be okay just being with me... and You? Because I don't feel okay. I feel the warmth of my tears filling my eyes... the escape of angst rolling down my cheeks. I truly felt like I was following your lead... but now I feel misguided and bemused by myself.

Beauty for ashes... I am reminded. And I covet the days I celebrated the freedom I felt once I trudged through the shame of my past. I struggle with trusting You now... feeling You now... Instead I feel forgotten. Remind me that You are here... that You have promises that are yet to be fulfilled for me. My spirit is heavy... my vision foggy... my ears muddled... Make Yourself known in Your peace and comfort.

I have all these voices in my head telling me I am not good enough... I am not lovable enough... I am not enough... Why else do I fail every time I pour out my heart and soul? What words should I hold onto and ponder deep in my heart to be loved?

I know these are not Your desire for me. But these voices vex my soul and can make even the most absurd lie sit like tar in my spirit. Sinister lies that find a path into my heart and create bitterness, jealousy, and paranoia.

Replace the lies Lord with the truth that I am Your beloved daughter... Loved by a King... Cherished for intrinsic beauty that was by Your design. That I am lovable just as I am... that I do not have to try. That You celebrate and are amazed by me daily. I am tired... so tired... so drained... so disappointed... so heartbroken. Mend these wounds and gashes in my tender heart. I have nothing left... no more energy to pick myself up.

I pray... as I cry myself to sleep once more... Hold me in Your hands and never let me go.

ZZzzzZZzZZzzz...

Apathetic...

Numb...

Blank...

Detached...

Detached from whom...

What...

Where...

When...

Why?

I have no words... no inspiration.

The words I write feel empty and without feeling.

I read everything I've written over weeks and feel...

Nothing.

There was a day when the words came smoothly...

Always in passion... always in love...

Today... I am not moved...

I am moving... but not moved.

I am trying to squeeze out poetry... prose... an IOU.

Nothing.

It's all dry... desolate... dead.

Dead words. Dead passion.

I miss my muse...

In passion... In love...

Give me a drop.

Quench me.

Satiate me.

Fulfill me.

Give me words.

Give me love.