Never Knew

A simple exchange, stepping out

Never knew this was what it was about

Taking a leap into your arms

Getting lost in your natural charms

Silencing all those plaguing voices

Taking comfort in our choices

To be, to live, to love

Never knew what I'd only dreamed of

An easy tie, a closeness, a comfort

In our kisses as we left behind summer

Never knew just how much

I'd quickly need your smell, your touch

Searching for your warmth in the night

Watching you sleep in the morning light

Melting away as you kiss my knee

Never knew this is how it could be

My mind always carried away

My heart wishing for you to stay

Finding myself lost in your stares

Never knew I could feel so bare

Naked, my whole self exposed and open

Wrestling thoughts of feeling broken

Never knew your words could be

The soothing balm that would help heal me

Finding myself sinking deeply

Patiently, quietly, meekly

Lingering on your words, your kiss

Never knew it could be like this

Sunsets and sand dunes

I felt the cold concrete beneath my calloused feet

The numbness of my calloused heart
Wincing at the pebbled surface prickling my skin

The air chills with evening

As my eyes lift to the bay, my gaze is lost in the light

A blanket of menacing dark clouds

Peels back to celebrate tangerine threads and fire-red silks

The dank tears clear from my eyes

The sun sets over San Francisco sand dunes

With dry seagrasses dancing next to you

Smoke fills your lungs as you wistfully watch

Ocean waves breaking much like hopeful hearts

But as the sunset met the San Francisco sand dunes

The bay breeze blew the past away

My heart—no, all of me—felt seen and alive

As your ocean-filled eyes stared back into mine

Your arms feeling like the home I longed for

Your lips enveloping mine so gently

Tenderly melting the barbed wire from my heart

As I sunk into the steely, serene pools of you

The days bring with it quiet whisperings of love

As we teeter into this fear-laced place

But, I wrestle to believe that without fear and risk and pain

There is no you... there is no love

So I stand between the sunset and the sand dunes

I stand here waiting next to you

Unlatched, alive, and singed, but here

Open to you... open to love

Goodbye

The eerie emptiness on the heels of goodbye.
Searching for the yearning, but coming up empty.

The emptiness filled with space... with air... with light.

The golden light pours out on the table we used to share.

The table that feels more full with you gone.

Gone... I dreamed of this moment. The moment I left you.

The moment I could say goodbye firmly planted.

The moment I could feel the freedom fill my body.

The energy superseding any semblance of remorse... of guilt.

The moment I chose me. 

I search the deep and vast banks of my memories.

Searching for something I'll miss. 

Something that will open the doors to doubt.

I come up empty. I revel in the emptiness.

An emptiness I now fill.

Breathing out the stale air of us.

Breathing in the newness of me.

Not just the me before you... the me now.

Stronger, wiser, braver.

And for that, I thank you.

I thank you for the pain, the void, the loneliness.

Because in those years of loneliness, I found me.

Stronger, wiser, braver.

The fire in me that was suffocated by the weight of you.

The fire that now burns like an inferno in me.

Goodbye, dear lover.

My lover who never loved. 

My lover who choked my love.

My lover who loved only himself.

Goodbye, forever. Goodbye.

Simple Reminder

As you opened the door, my heart raced within me...
An awkward pause as I searched for permission
To nestle within your arms once more...
As your hand rested against my neck
I found the familiar comfort I started to forget.
... and I wanted to stay there forever.
An awkward pause as you asked permission
To kiss these lips that always welcomed yours...
A hesitant pause wondering if I would lose all control
And I cowered beneath my fear for the moment
Left powerless beneath my desire for you
My desire for us... for a familiar connection
I started to forget...
As your lips met mine, all fear dissolved
The love swept past my lips
Over and over and over again...
To hear you tell me you love me
Warmed me like a heavy blanket
I could not bare to leave you
In fear of the chill without you near me.
In a moment, I was filled up with you
And all the love that was waiting
Bubbled to the surface pouring over you
As I left you on the doorstep
All I knew was that I wanted to love you...
That I didn't want another moment
Without the warmth of your love.
It was just the simple reminder I needed...

In the silence...

My mind feels like an empty canvas
Waiting endlessly for the first stroke to be painted
Across a stark white space begging for color
Black, gray, gradients of burnt embers
Smudged against a colorful spray of light
Light peeking behind a cracked door
Suspense fills me as wonder creeps in
Is it fluorescent light stripping all warmth
Or a warm ambient light casting playful
Shadows that elude to a hopeful narrative
The pillows envelope me as my head pounds
Soft velvet blue cushions against bland beiges
The contrast amuses me as I ponder
...Where are you....
...What are you thinking...
...Do you miss me?
Has your heart crashed against your chest
With the blood pumping through your brain?
Has this time filled your heart with longing for me
As my heart aches for you
I long to lay my head against your chest
As it rises with your breath
Tickle my hair... caress my skin
As your lips brush my forehead
Leaving traces of wet kisses
Cooled by the still air
I search my heart for the words we spoke
And it is drowned out by the words I want to say
...I love you...
...I want us...
...I am sorry...
Do my words reach you across this distance?
Does your heart warm as I send them out?
Could we forget the hurt and embrace the new once more?
Pretend we are two starry eyed lovers
Laying eyes on each other like the first time?
I remember the distance between us
Was once filled with an energy that connected us
Across tables and mountains and bedrooms
Can we start over?
Will you see me like you did then?
I cling to hopes of a new tomorrow
I cling to love for you.

Hope...

A new hope is calling... a new picture I see
The distance is closing in, the fog dissipates
The landscape before me, more magnificent
My imagination ill equipped to see Your design
The splendor... the stroke of divine mastery
In clarity, the wait seems unworthy
You are a loving Father who blesses His child
Overjoyed to see Your daughter unwrap her gift
Your warm smile illuminates my morning
What faithlessness in Your promises
Your grace pours out on my imperfections
You reward selflessly in Your love
I am thankful... dancing in Your precise step
A river rushing into a lake of crisp, still waters
The murky silt and sand rests on the pebbled floor
I float on the glass surface and stroke gently
Gazing up at turquoise skies, wisps of white
The water gurgles playfully for my ears
I float on Your strength... I swim in Your love
I praise You for loving Your daughter... me.

A Psalm of Thanksgiving

I wake up bursting with love
Love for my Maker... praise for my Father
Your goodness outstretches before me
Your faithfulness humbles me
Such reminders of Your favor on me
Your daughter... Your beloved
I raise my arms to you and sing
"Abba, Your love balms my soul"
My heart leaps in receipt of your blessings
My feet dance to heaven's music
A band of angels shines down on me
"Fear not... You are worthy of My good"
My spirit is renewed, my heart embraced
Enveloped in Your grace
I fall to my knees in thanksgiving
Tears of joy fill my eyes
You are faithful... Father You hear me
You have captured my prayers
Held them close to Your heart
Hallelujah, I am forever Yours

Ignored...

A once little girl... laughs in delight
Stars in her eyes brighter than the night
Dreams that stretched well beyond miles
Crinkles in her nose, her innocent smile

One starry night... darker than e're before
An unwelcome touch, impossible to ignore
Her smile faded and was replaced with tears
Halls echoed with screams filled with her fear

First ignored by his mother in shame
She sat in silence while the girl screamed her name
A free hand, a blow to his knee
Would offer the seconds to run and be free

A secret hidden for months at a time
He was just a boy, but an unspeakable crime
She cried for help, "Daddy, protect me!"
But was ignored in love of his beer and whiskey

The girl grows timidly to her teens
Grasping desperately to her fairytale dreams
She searches for love in empty places
Empty pursuits that had no basis

A young woman who turns twenty-one
Enters the bar in search of some fun
She's had her share of drugs and drinking
Her hopes and dreams are simply sinking

One starry night... darker than e're before
She has a drink drugged with something more
The night goes black but soon her eyes open
A man on top of her, but her body frozen

She blacks out once more and wakes next to him
Runs to the bathroom in sheets; locks herself in
Rocking in the corner, she cries to her friend
Her friend heard it all, she was ignored again

A secret hidden for months at a time...
He was a grown man with an unspeakable crime
She asked no one for help, hopeless and alone
She locked her hurt inside to never be shown

A few years later, she falls in love deeply
A strong man he seemed, but not so discreetly
His strength was shown the first time he threw her
She loved him, so she chose not to remember

One starry night... darker than e're before
An unexpected phone call, he was there no more
She cried herself to sleep thinking life is short
Nothing prepared her for pain of this sort

She sat and reflected on her life up 'til then
Questioning how she became this weak woman
Fell in love soon after with an even weaker man
Four years later, a ring returned from her hand

The years pass, and she falls to her knees
Releasing control to a God bigger than she
She knew love and joy, a showering outpour
But continued to open a few more doors

She fell in love deeper than ever before
With a man who wrote from a northern shore
Her heart grew tender with each word she read
Dreaming for a day to feel his touch instead

One starry night... brighter than e're before
He moves across miles to love something more
Fate had its tight grasp on their hearts
As they made several promises to never part

A few months pass, his words started spewing
Reopening wounds that needed no stewing
He loved her and hated her more than anyone
But no matter their love, the trust was undone

He screamed and taunted as she crouched in the corner
She ran far away and he would then mourn her
She reached out for help, seeking healing for both
And was ignored once again by a man with the oath

One starry night... darker than e're before
She writes her life story in search of something more
The tears stream down as she feels all alone
Her love, hopes, and dreams again overthrown

Lamenting her lover she loved so deeply
Knowing their dreams would never come cheaply
Hoping in time for truth to have its glory
Ignored no more, but heard and loved gently

Psalm 91:13-15

You are...

I stare at the shackles that lay open at my feet
And am drawn to my knees in thanksgiving
Iron rusting with time... as Your water erodes the
Ragged stones of my past, they become like fine sand
It's Your mercy...

I relentlessly battle with pride... the "I knows..."
Failing to feel the way Your current pulls
I stop stroking and drift gently into Your arms
Hold me in Your safety... embrace me in peace
It's Your promise...

I hear the words and lies my enemies have spewed
I alone cower to the fire and destruction they pour out
Shield me in Your truth... Draw out the sword of Your Spirit
I take refuge in my Father's... my Abba's house
It's Your offering...

I trust in Your word... I delight in Your timing
My heart is healing at the sound of Your voice
My soul is full with Your provision of love and grace
I praise you my King... Jehovah Adonai
It's Your love...

Sweet abandon...

Peaks and valleys... highs and lows
The verdant green grass hugs the crest of the hillside
Painting a landscape for awestruck gazes
A gift solely for my eyes... the whisper of a Creator

Sweet abandon pursues my tired mind...
Letting go dissolves a worthless weight
My stride slows to a gentle, melodic pace
Surrendering my breathe to a cool, brisk wind...

A strong but merciful hand hovers behind me...
Softly leading me down a sandy pebble graced bank
The clear water laps quietly at my bare feet...
The coolness of each step quenches the fire

I know You are with me... always... forever
The seconds playfully skip into a silent void
The leaves rustle and emit a soothing static
Electricity arises, pulsates... my heart stays calm

My stride is light with rising trust and hope...
My steps are hushed with a welcome mystery
The path trails off into a wooded forest
Dispensing a resplendent alchemistic glow

Blindfold me with wonder and obedience
Make each new step feel as though it were a first...
The joy of exploration with no restriction
Relieve my need to know stepping into this sandbox

Build castles that emerge from nothingness
Call into play dreams of magical moments
Release the sweltering knowledge of past
Open my heart to a gravitating new...

Sweet surrender... sweet abandon... Abba, I am Yours.

Enraptured...

Even in the bellowing thunder and sheets of rain...
I am enraptured by Your love...
A swift pursuit of my heart with gentle reminders of You...
I breathe You into the depths of my spirit...
Filling every cell with a dance to your rhythm...

Your divine company brings warmth to the day...
A keyhole crafted that welcomes me into You...
A proud daddy of his sweet princess...
Eyes glistening with misty love...
I feel Your hand near me and wrap my fingers tight.

Never let me go... Lead me by still waters...
Remind me of the golden path laid out for me...
A crystal knob pulls open a drawer of light...
Rainbows encase the room around me...
I spin in childlike approval and delight...

Your careful stitching of every seam in me...
Your worried weaving of beauty from ashes...
Your tears fall into a familiar stream of my own...
This perfect love, an anointing upon me...
Priceless and designed uniquely for me...

Undeserving and overwhelmed with humility...
Break me Father, I bow at Your feet...
I praise You... Worship You... Love You...
Always flawed... made pure in Your tender grace...
Always needing... but made full in Your perfect love.

Sunbursts

As the clouds roll through, the sunbursts warm my skin.

Finding myself in shadow and light...

Whisking away the clouds to feel the warmth once more.

Orange and yellow rays highlight the freckles on my nose...

And remind me of a childlike horizon of past.

The cotton like veil teases my gratitude...

As I patiently wait for a pitter of rain to cool the burn...

A throbbing sear of angst and regret looms in my heart

The wind tears the sheet and a single blade brings hope once more

Sentiments of love and princess poetry waits on my lips.

Chase the windy staircase and rescue my heart...

Rescue my snowy skin that eagerly awaits a burst of sun

A rosy color fills my cheeks and births new, naive wishes

Wishes that know no hurt... no disappointment... no tears.

But impossible dreams of lost tradition.

I walk swiftly... paying no mind to the thick fog ahead...

I run freely... knowing my fall will be in Your hands...

I dance lovely... in the beauty You have created...

I sleep safely... in Your loving protection...

A letter alone...

Such a familiar friend... I am again... alone. The auto-pilot function that so often helps me survive the changes in life has quietly subsided and the process of acceptance and grieving has taken its place. Grieving of lost love... dreams... security...

Tears are readily available day after day. An emotional outpour that I wanted to believe were just hormones, but are now a regular part of my state. I walk through my daily tasks with lead weights on my feet and still manage to accomplish my checklist, yet lay my head down unsettled. I see news to be celebrated all around me and all I can do is cry wondering when I will have my own day that my soul dances... a day to be celebrated.

A lesson in selfless love... genuinely celebrating those you love while quietly mourning my own wants and dreams... And that's all they feel like... dreams... empty... failed dreams...

The volume cranks on memories I have set aside and locked away when the rest of my life feels empty and lifeless. Memories that make me angry... bitter... sad... joyous... loved... loving... What I would give to feel pure uninhibited joy and love for just a moment. A simple reminder that I can still feel those things... and I can still have those things... and that I am not alone.

45 minutes is only 45 minutes I chanted. Was I trying to convince those I love or myself? I feel like 45 minutes is 45 too long from a warm embrace around me... a simple how do you do... a friendly, familiar face... a moment to exchange the latest with the people you miss everyday.

Is this what you wanted for me Lord? To be okay just being with me... and You? Because I don't feel okay. I feel the warmth of my tears filling my eyes... the escape of angst rolling down my cheeks. I truly felt like I was following your lead... but now I feel misguided and bemused by myself.

Beauty for ashes... I am reminded. And I covet the days I celebrated the freedom I felt once I trudged through the shame of my past. I struggle with trusting You now... feeling You now... Instead I feel forgotten. Remind me that You are here... that You have promises that are yet to be fulfilled for me. My spirit is heavy... my vision foggy... my ears muddled... Make Yourself known in Your peace and comfort.

I have all these voices in my head telling me I am not good enough... I am not lovable enough... I am not enough... Why else do I fail every time I pour out my heart and soul? What words should I hold onto and ponder deep in my heart to be loved?

I know these are not Your desire for me. But these voices vex my soul and can make even the most absurd lie sit like tar in my spirit. Sinister lies that find a path into my heart and create bitterness, jealousy, and paranoia.

Replace the lies Lord with the truth that I am Your beloved daughter... Loved by a King... Cherished for intrinsic beauty that was by Your design. That I am lovable just as I am... that I do not have to try. That You celebrate and are amazed by me daily. I am tired... so tired... so drained... so disappointed... so heartbroken. Mend these wounds and gashes in my tender heart. I have nothing left... no more energy to pick myself up.

I pray... as I cry myself to sleep once more... Hold me in Your hands and never let me go.

ZZzzzZZzZZzzz...

Apathetic...

Numb...

Blank...

Detached...

Detached from whom...

What...

Where...

When...

Why?

I have no words... no inspiration.

The words I write feel empty and without feeling.

I read everything I've written over weeks and feel...

Nothing.

There was a day when the words came smoothly...

Always in passion... always in love...

Today... I am not moved...

I am moving... but not moved.

I am trying to squeeze out poetry... prose... an IOU.

Nothing.

It's all dry... desolate... dead.

Dead words. Dead passion.

I miss my muse...

In passion... In love...

Give me a drop.

Quench me.

Satiate me.

Fulfill me.

Give me words.

Give me love.

Writer's Block

There is no more beauty in these words... so I cower to prose. A simple letter to myself. But remembering how much I felt that even words in prose offered me so much comfort. Made me feel understood... even if written just for me. To organize the jumbled mess of emotions and thoughts stirring in my mind. Writing offered a way to slow the words down just enough until one jumped into my fingers and then onto the screen.

I want to WRITE! I want to love what I write again... I want the words to flow down in a wondrous pattern that paints a magnificent beauty of what could only encapsulate a glimpse of what I am feeling... but still, this made me feel alive!

Even when I read the harvest of the last several years... I feel I am reading the same thing over and over again. Same parallels... same sentiments... same color... same metaphors. Where is my creativity?

Sometimes my best writing came after a few (or more!) glasses of wine. No wonder artists are raging lunatics, alcoholics, and drug-induced talent. It's like it unlocks this little door that says, "Hey! Nothing you write down right now needs to make sense... you have a perfect excuse. So just write down all the nonsense and in the morning you will find it a sobering moment when you realize there was still beauty that came from a drunken moonlit night."

But I don't want that... No... I want the true inspiration. The inspiration that awakens this sleeping giant within that says, I must write this down... I must remove my ego and let all this goodness overflow onto a page that other's can experience with me... that make others feel alive with me.

With so much movement... so much change right now... I should have something that feels like it needs to pour out. And I don't.

When I am loved... I pour out. When I love... I pour out. The rest is white noise... static in the background that doesn't empower me to decipher any tangible nuggets to record.

White noise... Ugh... someone change the channel.

A daughter's prayer...

Mercy Jesus... Grace for me...

A hope filled search for clarity...

A race I run, a hundred miles...

One greasy rung... an endless stile...

I fall dear Prince... Your hands await...

I stand again... a new estate...

I see a past from which I've come...

A burning heart... I've just begun...

Walk with me Jesus, hold my hand...

Be my strength when I can't stand...

A yearning heart crawls tenderly...

Soaked in Your love so gingerly...

Remind me Lord as I forget...

Your embrace has never left me yet...

I pray, I praise Your presence Lord...

The hurts aside, my heart is Yours...

Take me now, a broken child...

A Father's love who's just and mild...

I walk with You... take all of me...

Fill my heart with purity...

Your little girl painted to life...

A Father who weeps with all her strife...

I cling to You in joy and sorrow...

Your promises fill all my tomorrows...

I sleep in peace... with You so near...

I now let go of all I fear...

Please take my burdens as Your own...

No toil of mine shall go unknown...

Thank you Father... your love transcends...

Your faithfulness that never bends...

I love you Abba... Sweet dreams this night...

Your daughter rests in love and light...

Another round of nonsense...

Summer scorcher settles silently

Sweat swimming in strings of solitude

Hope hangs hefty in her hair

Hollering in her hallelujah

Twisted tangles tickle her toughness

Tears in a tale of transcendence

Paper planes playfully peruse

Popsicles plow in a plight of prayer

Fables and fantasies flippantly foiled

Flowers full of festive frolicking

Delightfully dancing in dandelion deserts

Desperate in a diversion of dreams

Love, Light, Life...

Letters and vowels scattered across a starving page...
Searching... for logic, for reason to remember a gift...
Easily forgotten, yet reverberating underneath the surface...
Ready to erupt from bubbling springs that once stood cold...

Life dances around me... love blooming as far as one can see...
I celebrate.... standing in awe of the unexpected that unfolds...
Meanwhile mending my own torn seams and patches...
A cozy quilt of my past and present sewn with hopes of tomorrow...

I stand in a field of knee-high grass... blue sky stretched out before me...
My bare feet feel the dampness of the earth as my heels sink in...
The sun sets in the distance painting an array of color...
A large brassy coin setting on a once beautiful day to a mysterious night...

The stars in the sky make company... the moon casts a familiar hello...
My face glows a silvery gray... It is not cold... It is transcendent...
The light envelopes me until day break when the sun brings warmth...
His presence still surrounds me... I am not alone...

Love surrounds me... Light within me... Life before me...
Life surrounds me... Love within me... Light before me...
Light surrounds me... Life within me... Love before me...

I pick up my mat... and walk...

My Psalm...

Heavenly Father, I am in love with You...

Your grace upon me, an outpour of blessings beyond the finite walls of my prayers. Your presence drawn out in a magnificence brighter than the sun's morning light spilling over the mountains and valleys. Your Holy Spirit moving quietly like a whisper in the Sycamore groves caressing every blade of grass, every falling leaf, every speck of dust with Your kindness... Your gentleness. Walking steadfast with me through trials and celebration... behind me, tenderly catching me as I fall... beside me, holding my youthful, naive hand... in front of me, guiding my journey with Your strength... Your truth... around me, enveloping me in Your supernatural peace, love, and joy.

Surely Father... I am so in love with You...

Your promises Lord are more than a mere page in an ancient book... Your word is more than the alphabet conducted in a familiar tune. Your name alone is a strong, impassable tower keeping out all that is to harm me... protecting me in times of calamity. Your name... Yahweh... Jehovah-shammad... Jesus... is a simple, but powerful call to my Almighty God... my God who is present... my all-loving, all-forgiving Saviour. Oh, how I wish to know You even more... Your love is a calling for which I will receive... for which I will continue to pursue.

Surely Father... I am so in love with You...

You are my Healer... Jehovah Adonai... Wiping clean the distasteful remnants of my past... Filling the deep overwhelming cracks of my heart... my soul... my mind... with Your lasting forgiveness and understanding. Your compassion washes over me in ocean waves with cooling, tranquil waters that evaporate into the warmth of Your loving arms. Find favor in me Lord… For You have promised to make deserts into new springs… I yearn to overflow with life… with the life and love that only You can provide.

Surely Father... I am so in love with You...

Untitled

a mind that swirls like a whirlpool of rain.
amused by my inability to write in joy.
bemused by my words in pain.
addicted to this empty place.
a place that fixates on the past.
a past that never taught me love.
so where did i learn love?
how do i know love?
its taste sits sweet on my tongue.
its smell perfumes the wind around me.
its light illuminates the dark corners.
but blow gently, the light is out.
the warmth of my breath now turns cold.
haunted by memories.
always haunted.
wanting a different life.
a different youth.
a different now.
somebody see me.
not for the parade.
not for what is clear.
i am not glass.